Chapter Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department In This Chapter • Understand redundancy • Simplify sentences • Improve your writing style In language, as in plane geometry, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line As Thomas Jefferson once remarked, "The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do." That's what this chapter is all about All good writing demands a polished style Especially in business, writers impress their readers not with big words and convoluted prose, but rather with a straightforward, easy-to-read style Learn how to accomplish this right now Slash and Burn Redundant writing is cluttered with unnecessary words that fog your meaning Wordy writing forces your readers to clear away unnecessary 288 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff words and phrases before they can understand your message Redundancies are the junk food of our language, filling us up on empty words You Could Look It Up Redundancy is the unnecessary repetition of words and ideas Prove it to yourself The following table is a series of redundant phrases I've culled from newspapers, magazines, friends, and foes Rewrite each of the following phrases to eliminate the redundancy Then give a reason for your revision The first one is done for you Redundancy Repair Reason honest truth truth truth is honest by definition past experience past history fatally killed revert back foreign imports partial stop true facts free gift 10 live and breathe 11 null and void 12 most unique 13 cease and desist 14 soup du jour of the day 15 at A.M in the morning 16 sum total and end results 17 living survivors 18 proceed ahead 19 successfully escaped C h a p t e r Z Z : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department Z89 Repair Reason Repair Reason honest truth truth truth is honest past experience experience all experience is past past history history all history is past fatally killed killed fatal = dead revert back revert revert = go back foreign imports imports we have domestic imports? partial stop stop stop = stop true facts facts facts are true free gift gift gifts are free 10 live and breathe live if you live, you breathe 1 null and void null (or void) null = void 12 most unique unique unique can't be modified; it is the most 13 cease and desist cease (or desist) cease = desist 14 soup du jour of the day soup du jour du jour = of the day 15 at A.M in the morning at A.M A.M = morning 16 sum total and end results total (or results) sum total = end results 17 leaving no living survivors leaving no survivors survivors are alive 18 proceed ahead proceed you can't proceed back Redundancy 20 minus eight degrees below zero forward progress 22 set a new record 23 kills bugs dead 24 at this point in time Answers Redundancy continues 290 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff continued Repair Reason 19 successfully escaped escaped you can't escape unsuccessfully 20 minus eight degrees below zero minus degrees minus = below zero forward progress progress all progress is forward 22 set a new record set a record all records are new when they are set kills bugs dead kills bugs kills = dead 24 at this point in time now wordy phrase Redundancy Thrift, Thrift, Thrift When you sit down to write, you might get carried away by the sound of your own words Even though you know you've packed in some unnecessary verbiage, each word is near and dear to your heart, like your cracked Little League catcher's mitt from '67 or the designer shoes you got on sale that never fit and never will Take My Word for It Redundancy comes from the Latin word undore ("to overflow") and re ("back") Because redundancy literally means "to overflow again and again," the word itself is redundant! You want to save every one of your words; after all, they are your words "Cut that phrase?" you howl "I can't bear to part with such a beautiful (graceful, important, dazzling) phrase." Yes, you can; trust me And your writing will be the better for it An effective writing style shows an economy of language From now on, here's your mantra: • Write simply and directly • Omit unnecessary details or ideas that you have already stated • Use a lot of important detail, but no unnecessary words You want your writing to be concise Conciseness describes writing that is direct and to the point This is not to say that you have to pare away all description, figures of speech, and images No Rather, it is to say that wordy writing annoys your readers because it forces them to slash their way through your sentences before they can understand what you're saying Hard and lean Chapter ï l \ Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department Z sentences, like hard and lean bodies, require far more effort than flabby ones And they are so much nicer Follow these five easy rules to create taut, effective sentences • Eliminate unneeded words and phrases • Revise sentences that begin with expletives • Combine sentences that repeat information • Don't say the same thing twice • Make passive sentences active Look at each of these rules in greater detail Eliminate Unneeded Words and Phrases Unneeded words are like annoying little gnats that nip at your ankles during summer picnics As a matter of fact, because these words and phrases are like so much empty noise, they are often called buzzwords Buzzwords come in different parts of speech, as the following table shows You Could Look It Up _^ Buzzwords are commonly used, extraneous phrases that aren't necessary to the meaning of the sentence and so should be cut Buzzwords Part of Speech Sample Buzzwords Adjectives nice, central, major, good, excellent Adverbs quite, very, basically, really, central, major Nouns field, case, situation, character, kind, scope, sort, type, thing, element, area, aspect, factor, nature, quality Here's how they look in context: Wordy: These types of administrative problems are really quite difficult to solve Better: Administrative problems are difficult to solve Redundant phrases are kissing cousins to buzzwords because they also repeat information that has already been stated The following table lists 10 especially annoying examples Add them to the ones you revised at the beginning of this chapter 29Z Part J: Style: All the Write Stuff Ten Redundant Phrases Revised Redundant Better repeat again red in color repeat red extra gratuity gratuity continue to remain remain small in size small few in number few new innovation innovation complete stop stop combine together combine final end end Then we have the big daddy of them all, really long-winded phrases These are prefab phrases that seem to add instant sophistication to your sentences They don't Instead, they make your writing sound pretentious and gassy The following table lists some of these annoying redundancies and ways to revise them Twenty Redundant Phrases Revised Wordy Better at this point in time at the present time now now for the purpose of for in the event that if until such time as until in view of the fact that because because of the fact that because due to the fact that because in order to utilize to use is an example of is free up some space make room my personal physician my doctor thunderstorm activity thunderstorm C h a p t e r 2 : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department Wordy Better weather event snow (rain, and so on) it is believed by many that many believe experience some discomfort in order to hurt to making an effort to trying to completely surrounded on all sides surrounded reiterated over and over again 293 repeated Following are wordy phrases that should just be stricken from your writing, much as you destroy the pictures of your old flame when you find a new love (You did destroy those photos, didn't you?) Dead air: the point I am trying to make as a matter of fact in a very real sense in light of the fact that in the case of that is to say to get to the point what I mean to say Wordy: In fact, the luncheonette that was situated in the local area was, in a very real sense, the heart of the neighborhood Better: The luncheonette was the heart of the neighborhood Take a second and slice the deadwood from the following sentences Each refers to an actual law still on the books in some U.S cities (They prove why we need more lawyers.) It is a true fact that in Tennessee, it's illegal to shoot any game (for the purpose of harming them) other than whales from a moving automobile 29«i P a r t : Style: All the Write Stuff What I mean to say is that in Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs At this point in time, it is still illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time It is a true fact that in Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backward in a reverse direction after sunset when the sun has already set It is the honest truth that horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in a very real sense in Marshalltown, Iowa Answers In Tennessee, it's illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs It is still illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backward after sunset Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa Revise Sentences That Begin with Expletives Expletives are constructions that fill holes when writers invert subject-verb word order Now, inverting subject-verb word order is a good way to achieve sentence variety, as you've already learned But filling in the blanks with expletives just clutters your writing Here are the most common expletive constructions: You Could Look It Up Expletives are construetions that fill holes when writers i | I L invert subject-verb word order • Tt is • There is r™ # here are • There were C h a p t e r Z Z : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department These constructions only delay the point of the sentence For instance: • It is necessary for all employees to select a health care plan • There are three health plans employees can choose Whenever possible, replace the expletive with an action verb, as these revised sentences show: • All employees must select a health care plan • Employees can choose from three health plans Or: Three health plans are offered Combine Sentences That Repeat Information You can also combine sentences to achieve clarity First, look for sentences that contain the same information or relate to the same ideas and so logically belong together Then combine the related sentences Finally, cut any words that just take up space like an unwanted house guest Here are some examples: Wordy: The Chamber was a best-seller It was written by John Grisham The Chamber was a courtroom thriller Better: The Chamber, by John Grisham, was a best-selling courtroom thriller Wordy: Sonnets, which are a beautiful poetic form, have 14 lines and a set rhythm and rhyme Better: Sonnets are a beautiful poetic form with 14 lines and a set rhythm and rhyme You can also eliminate unnecessary words by slicing and dicing extraneous relative pronouns and adjective clauses For instance: Wordy: Rosie O'Donnell, who was homecoming queen of her high school class, was raised in Commack, New York Better: Rosie O'Donnell, homecoming queen of her high school class, was raised in Commack, New York (The relative phrase "who was" jolts the rhythm of the writing; the sentence is much smoother without it.) 296 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff Danger, Will Robinson Repetition is a good thing, redundancy is not When you use repetition, you deliberately repeat words and phrases to create rhythm and emphasis Redundancy, in contrast, is made up of unnecessary bits and pieces that need to be trimmed like fat from the federal budget Wordy: Many people are drawn to Goldie Hawn's vitality, which is delightful Better: Many people are drawn to Goldie Hawn's delightful vitality (Again, the relative phrase "which are" adds annoying clutter.) Give it a shot Rewrite the following paragraph to eliminate unnecessary words Write your revision on the lines provided Wordy: The high cost of multimedia presentations is due to the combined cost of studio shoots and expensive media compression The costs of graphic design and technical support are also high Revised: How does your revision compare to this version? Studio shoots, media compression, graphic design, and technical support all contribute to the high cost of multimedia presentations Don't Say the Same Thinq Twice Phrases such as "cover over," "circle around," and "square in shape" are redundant— they say the same thing twice This is the redundancy problem you corrected in the beginning of this chapter Wordy: We watched the big, massive, black cloud rising up from the level prairie and covering over the sun Better: We watched the massive, black cloud rise from the prairie and cover the sun Wordy: The package, rectangular in shape, was on the counter Better: The rectangular package was on the counter C h a p t e r 2 : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department p ^ Danger, Will Robinson As you learned, there are some legitimate reasons to use the passive voice For example, passive is the voice of choice when you don't want to name the subject (as in "A mistake was made") or you want to focus on the object of the action (as in "A robbery occurred today") Make Passive Sentences Active In the active voice, the subject performs the action named by the verb In the passive voice, the subject receives the action The passive voice is often far wordier than the active voice How many unnecessary words were cut by rewriting the following sentences from the passive voice to the active voice? Passive: A turkey instead of an eagle was first wanted by Benjamin Franklin as our national symbol Active: Benjamin Franklin first wanted a turkey instead of an eagle as our national symbol Passive: From 1960 to 1981, a record $71 million was amassed by Muhammad Ali in his professional boxing career Active: From 1960 to 1981, Muhammad Ali amassed a record $71 million in his professional boxing career Rewrite each of these passive sentences into the active voice As the Titanic sank on April 15, 1912, "Nearer My God to Thee" was played by the band Four Pulitzer Prizes in poetry were won by Robert Frost In 1963, the presidency of her high school class was won by Bette Midler The first antislavery group in America was headed by Ben Franklin A job as a reporter for The New York Tribune was once held by Karl Marx Z98 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff Answers As the Titanic sank on April 15, 1912, the band played "Nearer My God to Thee." Robert Frost won four Pulitzer Prizes in poetry In 1963, Bette Midler won the presidency of her high school class Ben Franklin headed the first antislavery group in America Karl Marx was once a reporter for The New York Tribune The Least You Need to Know • Redundancy is unnecessary repetition of words and ideas • Eliminate unnecessary words and phrases to make your writing clearer and more vigorous  ... is • There is r™ # here are • There were C h a p t e r Z Z : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department These constructions only delay the point of the sentence For instance: • It... : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department p ^ Danger, Will Robinson As you learned, there are some legitimate reasons to use the passive voice For example, passive is the voice of. .. point in time at the present time now now for the purpose of for in the event that if until such time as until in view of the fact that because because of the fact that because due to the fact that