Chapter Are You Grammarphobic? In This Chapter • Learn how people feel about grammar • Probe the influence of words on thought and speech • Define grammar, usage, mechanics, and style A favorite proverb of the arts-and-crafts set is "One picture is worth a thousand words." Nope. It really isn't so. Just try to use a picture to teach people. You'll quickly find out that you need a thousands words—or more!— to tell them exactly what to look at and why. Whatever you might have heard about cultural illiteracy, the closing of the American mind, and TV rotting our brains, Americans are passionately in love with their language, perhaps more so now than ever before. And we greatly respect people who can use English correctly, with skill, grace, and flair. We know they tend to succeed in whatever they attempt, because they have the tools to communicate, persuade, and inform effectively, no matter what the message. it Parti: No Uncertain Terns In this chapter, you learn that you're not alone in your desire to master the rules of standard written English—or in your fear of banging your head against a brick wall while trying to do so. Then you meet the movers and shakers of English: grammar, usage, mechan- ics, and style. Along the way, we explore your feelings about English. How Can You Tell If You're Grammarphobic? That said, we still have to contend with the fear factor. I'll bet you know what I mean. I whisper "grammar" and your eyes roll back in your head; I mutter "predicate nomina- tive" and you pass out cold. How bad is it, bunky? Take this quiz to see if you're suffer- ing from mild or acute "grammar-itis." Put a check next to each answer that applies to you. 1. Knowing that I have to tell the difference between "lie" and "lay" makes me feel like General Pickett charging his doomed division up Cemetery Hill. 2. I think euphemisms are just another word for nothing left to lose. 3. Having to conjugate an irregular verb feels like a kick in the gut from Jackie Chan. 4. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than be asked when and how to use the possessive case before a gerund. 5. Chewing ground glass is more appealing to me than having to write a resume and a letter of application for a job (no matter how good the job sounds). 6. I'd rather dive into a pile of double-edge razor blades than have to distinguish between "who" and "whom." 7. I have to write a 20-page report on employee morale? Beam me up, Scotty. 8. Having my finger slammed in a car door is less painful than knowing if I should use an adjective or adverb after a linking verb. 9. I'd sit two inches from a speaker playing Whitney Houston when she hits that high C if it would get me out of writing a bad-news business letter. 10. Rip out my intestines with a fork? No problem. It's far preferable to having to send e-mail to my boss. Bonus: I break into a cold sweat at the very thought of seeing my tenth-grade English teacher. Take My Word for It Most of us think the English we speak is the standard version. People who use other forms, we think, are speaking dialects. In fact, most of us speak a dialect, a language that reflects the speech of a particular region. Chapter I : Are You Grammarphobic? 5 Answers All checked Your tenth-grade teacher really did a number on your head, didn't she? 7 to 9 checked Everything will be okay, baby. Mama's here now. 4 to 6 checked Help is just a few pages away. 1 to 3 checked Liar, liar, pants on fire. None checked Want to write this book for me? There's no denying that the rules of standard written English are scary, more frighten- ing than a sail on the Titanic or a night with Michael Jackson. English rules are scary, yes—but difficult, no. Hey, you can program a VCR, ride on a New York City subway, and make withdrawals from an ATM. You can learn all you need to know to write a better report, memo, or letter. You know your efforts will be repaid manifold, like compound interest on a CD. Word Power "Give me a lever long enough and prop strong enough," Archimedes wrote, "and I can single-handed move the world." More than two thousand years later, the celebrated novelist Joseph Conrad responded: "Do not talk to me of Archimedes' lever. He was an absentminded person with a mathematical imagination. Give me the right word and the right accent, and I will move the world." These comments are powerful confirmation of the marvel of language. For more than three thousand years, people have declared their love, made their demands, pledged their support, and taken on the 1RS because of the flexibility and beauty of language. Millions of us, young and old alike, have turned words into communication thanks to our language. We've prayed at its altar, damned its rules, and stretched its limitations. We've molded it like so much Silly Putty to conform to our needs. War of the Words But not everyone worships language with the same enthusiasm. "Fine words butter no parsnips," observes an English proverb with noticeably less ebullience. Writer Franklin P. Adams cranked, "Words mean one thing on Monday and another on Tuesday." And an anonymous Romanian checks in with this saying: "With words alone, you don't make the soup." 6 Parti: No Uncertain Terms That statements about the power of language can contradict each other only serves to prove the ability of language to express a wide variety of feelings and opinions. The force Be with You Where do you stand on the power of English? Take this instant test to see. Put a check next to each statement you agree with. 1. Next to sex, language is the most exciting form of communication we have. 2. Words are as vital to life as food, drink, and sex, but on the whole we don't show as much interest in language as we do in the other pastimes. 3. If you write with confidence, you'll do better in nearly all aspects of your life. 4. Using correct English can help you get a better job. 5. The phrasing of a sentence has decided the fate of many a friendship, and for all we know, the fate of many a kingdom. 6. Knowing how to use English can improve your chances of getting a date on a Saturday night—a hot date, too. 7. People become great leaders through their command of words. 8. Much of the mischief in the world arises from words. 9. The whole purpose of writing and speech is to be understood. 10. You cannot get ahead if you can't write with confidence. 11. When words fail, wars begin. When the wars finally end, we settle our dis- putes with words. 12. Every word we know makes a difference, because every word is an idea. 13. Words are the only things that last forever; they are more durable than the hills. 14. Words are the most powerful drug we have. 15. Every time you write something, you say much more than you think you say. Bonus: True or False: If the art of conversation stood a little bit higher, we would have a lower birthrate. People who cherish language are not linguistic police who arrest the miscreants who split their infinitives or dangle their participles in public. Rather, they are people like you, people who recognize the need to speak and write with confidence. Chapter 1: Are You Grammarphobic? 7 Term Limits This brings us to the matter of English itself. What exactly are the components of English? There are four standard conventions of written and spoken English: • Grammar • Usage • Mechanics • Style Let's look at each standard convention of English in detail. What Is Grammar? "Grammar," Henry Fowler wrote in his soon-to-be famous 1926 Dictionary of Modern English Usage, is "a poor despised branch of learning." Henry was a bit cranky that day. To the rest of us, grammar is a branch of linguistics that deals with the form and structure of words. It's an attempt to make explicit and conscious what the skilled writer and speaker of English does intuitively and unconsciously. When people are said to have "good" or "bad" grammar, the under- standing is that they choose to obey or ignore the rules of accepted usage associated with their language. Grammar is one of the oldest fields of study, as well as one of the most durable. Even Plato can be labeled an early grammarian, because he was responsible for dividing the sentence into subject and verb (onoma and rheme), a division it has retained. Dazzle your friends; toss this out at the next cocktail party. You Could Look It Up Grammar is a branch of linguistics that deals with the form and structure of words. Take My Word for It Grammarians are not necessarily writers, but writers must always be grammarians, whether they are aware of it or not. What Is Usage? Usage is the customary way we use language in speech and writing. Because we use lan- guage for different purposes, there are a various levels of usage. The following table lists the big three. 8 Parti: No Uncertain Terms Level of Usage 1. Standard English: formal usage 2. Standard English: informal usage 3. Nonstandard usage Examples They have done nothing. They've done nothing. Dey ain't done nothin'. You Could Look It Up Usage is the customary way we use language in speech and writing. The main difference between standard English and nonstandard English appears in the use of pronouns and certain verb forms. For example, where a speaker of standard English would use brought, a speaker of nonstandard English would use brung. There are also several words and expressions that are considered nonstandard, such as slang words. jX^_J/ Quoth the Maven In most cases, substandard usage is associated with the uneducated. In a few rare cases, however, people have made substandard usage their trademark. Dizzy Dean, a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals who later became a radio and TV sports broadcaster, is a case in point. Typical of his utterance: "Didn't nobody come around after the game and ask whether we'd throwed or threw the ball in there to make a play. We won 'em, no questions asked." The following table describes formal usage, informal usage, and nonstandard usage in more detail. The Language Rank and File Level of Usage Uses Characteristics Formal Informal Business letters, resumes, cover letters, serious speeches, newspaper articles, scholarship Most books, magazines newspapers, business letters, many textbooks, political speeches Standard verbs, adverbs with -ly endings, standard vocabulary, standard punctuation Standard verbs, adverbs with -ly endings, standard vocab- ulary, standard punctuation, contractions, some slang Chapter I : Are You Grammarphobic? 9 Level of Usage Uses Characteristics Nonstandard Conversation, movies, Nonstandard verbs, adverbs television, radio, comic without -ly, slang words, strips, regional expressions nonstandard punctuation, "creative" spelling The correct level of usage is the one that is appropriate for the occasion. For example, you would use formal usage in a job application letter, resume, and business letter. Informal usage is more fitting for a personal letter, greeting card message, and conver- sation. Even in these days when everything goes, nonstandard usage is as tacky as rhinestones on tweed. Usage includes the following elements: • Pronoun choice • Verb conjugation • Verb use • Active and passive voice • Correct word choice • Subject/verb agreement • Adjectives and adverbs • Double negatives • Parallel structure • Misplaced modifiers • Redundancy • Parallel structure • Coordination • Subordination There's more (isn't there always?), but that's enough to hit you with at once. I cover all these concerns (and more) in Parts 2 and 3. 10 Parti: No Uncertain Terms What Is Mechanics? As its name suggests, mechanics is the nuts and bolts of clear writing. The six members of the mechanics gang are as follows: • Abbreviations • Capitalization • Italics • Numbers • Punctuation • Quotation marks You Could Look It Up. Mechanics include abbreviations, capitalization, ital- ics, numbers, punctuation, and quotation marks. Mechanics allow writers to show the grouping and relationship of words. They signal pace and intonation. Best of all, they help you say what you mean clearly and so avoid misunderstanding. What Is Style? In life, personal style is that essential^ ne sais quoi that distinguishes Iman from Roseanne, Ethel Merman from Pee Wee Herman. People with style can wear white shoes after Labor Day and not get arrested by the Style Police; they never have lipstick on their teeth, toilet paper on their heels, or rings around their collars. Heck, they don't even have to wear collars to look sharp. Personal style is the way you dress, walk, and talk to make an impression on those you meet. In writing, style is an author's distinctive way of writing. Style is made up of elements such as word choice, sentence length and structure, punctuation, figures of speech, and tone. Writers might change their style for different kinds of writing and to suit different audi- ences. In poetry, for example, writers might use more imagery than they would use in prose (nonpoetry). You Could Look It Up _, A writer's style is his or her distinctive way of writing. Quoth the Maven When it comes to writing style, the head weenie at the roast was New Yorker writer E. B. White. In the summer of 1957, White revised and reissued a slender writing guide- book he had used at Cornell, written by his professor, William Strunk. Fewer than 100 pages long, the book has never been out of print since—and with good cause; it's a honey. Chapter): Are You Grammarphobic? II A Civil Tongue: Standards for Effective Communication Good writing and speaking meets five basic standards: It's clear, complete, correct, efficient, and effective. Here are some examples: • Clear. The reader gets the meaning you, the writer, intended. There's no ambiguity or guesswork; everyone's on the same page. I cover issues of clarity in Chapter 19. • Complete. Good writing is the bun and the beef; the reader gets the complete package. With effective communication, readers have everything they need to evaluate the message and act on it. See Part 5 for these issues. • Correct. The writing is free from errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics. There are no bloopers in such areas as spelling, capitalization, word order, and sentence structure. All this is covered in Parts 2,3, and 4. • Efficient. The words are arranged on the page to save the reader time. The lay- out is clear and crisp, so the message is easy to track. Here are the Top Two of page arrangement: • Organization • Visual impact You'll learn all about these considera- tions in Part 6. Effective. Because all the ducks are in a row, effective writing conveys a positive image of the writer and his or her com- pany, organization, or group. Because it treats the reader with consideration, good writing creates good feelings, too. See Part 6 for more on this. Danger, Will Robinson Cultural considerations are very important to effective writing and speech. Americans, for instance, value direct appeals. Check out any of our advertise- ments and you'll see what I mean. The Japanese, in contrast, prefer subtle messages where the point must be inferred. The Least You Need to Know • Grammar is a branch of linguistics that deals with the form and structure of words. • Usage is the customary way we use language in speech and writing. The correct level of usage is the one that is appropriate for the occasion. • Mechanics include punctuation, numbers, quotation marks, capitalization, abbre- viations, and italics. • A writer's style is his or her distinctive way of writing. • Good communication is clear, complete, correct, efficient, and effective. . covered in Parts 2 ,3, and 4. • Efficient. The words are arranged on the page to save the reader time. The lay- out is clear and crisp, so the message is easy to track. Here are the Top Two. guesswork; everyone's on the same page. I cover issues of clarity in Chapter 19. • Complete. Good writing is the bun and the beef; the reader gets the complete package. With effective. absentminded person with a mathematical imagination. Give me the right word and the right accent, and I will move the world." These comments are powerful confirmation of the marvel of language.