Three Keys to Encourage Positive Behavior in Your Child by Robyn Ladinsky, MSW Life and Parenting Coach www.robynladinsky.com I. Introduction II. Feelings III. Discipline A. Rewards B. Punishment C. Natural Consequences D. Logical Consequences IV. Consistency V. Where to Start INTRODUCTION Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs a person will ever have. We all want the best for our children and for them to live a life full of love, happiness and abundance. There’s so much excitement when a child is born; all the hopes and dreams. As the baby grows and begins to explore their world, parents often begin to feel frustrated and overwhelmed at how to best manage the new behaviors exhibited by their child. Below, you will find three keys in helping you manage your child’s behavior. You will learn: • Why acknowledging and accepting your child’s feelings and perceptions are vital. • Why rewards and punishments don’t work. • What types of discipline does work and why. • The importance of consistency. • Where to get started. FEELINGS There is a direct correlation between how a child feels and how he behaves. When a child feels good, he will not only exhibit good behavior, he will also exhibit good physical health. In addition to implementing appropriate consequences (which will be explained below), it is also important to acknowledge and accept your child’s feelings and perceptions. Some examples of common phrases parent’s say to their children are “You don’t really feel that way,” “You’re just saying that because you’re tired, you don’t really mean it,” or “There’s no reason to be upset.” Saying these types of things to your children teaches them to not trust their own feelings. If you aren’t sure, just try putting yourself in your child’s shoe and look at the situation from their point of view. Adults often don’t question each other when someone has a different feeling or perception from theirs, so why should parents question those of their children? When someone is feeling upset, the one thing most people want is to be heard and to have their feelings acknowledged. This allows the pain to be acknowledged which then leads to one feeling less upset and confused and thus, more able to cope with one’s feelings and problems. This is true for both children and adults. DISCIPLINE Discipline helps parents to communicate respect to their children. It teaches accountability and helps them to develop a conscience. To do this, a parent will first need to set appropriate guidelines and limits. When children do not follow these rules, it is the parent’s responsibility to encourage and inspire their children to improve their behavior. One way to do this is by implementing appropriate consequences. There are four basic types of consequences: rewards, punishment, natural and logical. REWARDS A reward is something given to the child when she behaves appropriately in hopes that she will continue to behave in this manner. Many parents believe this to be a positive approach to discipline. Instead, what happens is the child begins to expect a reward every time she does what she is supposed to do. The reward, in a child’s eye, becomes her right. As a result, the child can develop an attitude of “What’s in it for me?” which, in regards to discipline, teaches the child to expect rewards for positive behavior. Parents will often have to raise the value of the reward to keep the positive behaviors which can often lead to parental frustration. This also leads the child to only behave appropriately in order to get more things instead of for the reason parents ultimately want which is because “it’s the right thing to do.” PUNISHMENT Punishment is the deliberate removal of something a child enjoys for a period of time or to inflict pain in order to teach a lesson regarding his misbehavior. Many parents often believe that to make their children behave, they must first make them feel worse. It often seems to work for the moment, but it often backfires as evidenced by the child’s reactions. Since punishments rarely work, parents often believe that it wasn’t severe enough and will thus increase the severity. Sometimes, the punishment is also combined with harsh words such as “I can’t believe you’re doing this again” or “You’re so stupid.” If the behavior does stop, then the child is doing so out of fear of further punishment instead of feeling sorry for what he’s done and taking responsibility for his own actions. After being punished, children are often left with a feeling of unfairness. Their anger is focused on the person implementing the punishment instead of their misbehavior. They are often full of thoughts of resentment such as “This is unfair” or “I can’t trust adults.” Reactions show up in the form of seeking revenge, becoming rebellious or decreasing their self-esteem. Seeking revenge is when the child wants to “get back” at the person who inflicted the punishment. One such way is to continue the misbehavior, but with more intensity or to change misbehaviors to a different kind. Becoming rebellious gives into the thought of “I won’t get caught next time.” This leads to sneakiness, deceit and power struggles. Decreasing their self-esteem comes as a result of self-defeating thoughts such as “I’m a bad person,” “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’m not good enough.” All of these reactions begin a revenge cycle that sometimes may not be noticed until the teenage years when behaviors such as running away, alcohol and drug abuse, etc. show up. The child ends up hurting himself more than the parents. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES A natural consequence is one that comes as a natural result (without adult interference) as a result of the child’s behavior. For example, a natural consequence of a child going outside in cold, rainy weather will result in his becoming wet and cold. Another example is if the child doesn’t put his dirty clothes in the hamper to be washed, he may not have clean clothes to wear or at least the outfit he wants to wear. There are a couple of exceptions where allowing natural consequences to take place is not okay. These are if the consequence would put the child in danger or if the behavior would result in interfering with the rights of others. LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES Logical consequences are ones that are logically connected to the misbehavior, administered in a calm and firm manner, intended to teach responsible behavior and which are respectful. Even if the child doesn’t like the consequence, he does experience it as being fair. Logical consequences help children learn to be contributing members of society which generally enhances their self-esteem, their sense of belonging and feelings of significance. It’s important that they be related to the behavior, respectful of the child and reasonable. For example, if a child spills milk on the table, a logical consequence is for him to clean it up. This is one that is related to the behavior. If the statement “How could you be so clumsy?” were added, then it would not be respectful; instead, say something like “Oops, what do you need to do?” Having the child only clean up the spilled mess would be reasonable whereas having him clean up the whole kitchen would not be. [...]... retraining yourself Your child needs to know you mean business WHERE TO START Now that you know the basics of managing your child s behavior, you may be asking yourself, “Now what?” Below are a few steps, which can also be applied in other areas of your life, to get you started CREATE A VISION When things aren’t going the way we’d like, it’s not uncommon to focus on the things that aren’t working This... first things to do is to decide how you want things to be If a lot of time and energy is spent addressing your child s misbehavior, then you’re probably not enjoying each other and having fun Take a few minutes and fantasize what you would like things to look like Be sure to keep it positive and to write it down so you can look at it often SETTING GOALS Once you have a vision of how you want things to be,... been doing was working, you probably would not be reading this report, so it’s time to try something new If you have not been acknowledging and accepting your child s feelings, then try doing that If your discipline methods have been full of rewards and punishment, try implementing logical consequences as well as allowing natural ones to occur For further information on how to work with specific misbehaviors... starting to implement logical consequences instead of rewards and punishments, your children will test you It can be difficult, but it is important to remain calm and firm during this transitional period You can implement logical consequences nine times in a row and then not do so the tenth time and you’ll be back to square one It’s important to remember that not only are you retraining your child to. .. be, it’s time to get specific One of the easiest ways to do this is to first make a list of the behaviors you don’t like Then, next to each one, rewrite the behavior as if it were what you did want For example, the behavior you don’t like is to “stop leaving toys out all over the house.” The opposite would be “toys to be picked up when they are finished being played with.” TRY SOMETHING NEW If what... occur For further information on how to work with specific misbehaviors that are showing up in your family, send an email to robyn@robynladinsky.com and I will be happy to do what I can to help you Stay tuned for future reports, e-books, programs, etc on managing your child s behavior and other issues related to parenting . you will find three keys in helping you manage your child s behavior. You will learn: • Why acknowledging and accepting your child s feelings and. Three Keys to Encourage Positive Behavior in Your Child by Robyn Ladinsky, MSW Life and Parenting Coach www.robynladinsky.com