Things a Monkey Could Cook Menu Coordination for Beginners by Jean Stites Copyright 2012, Jean Stites All rights reserved Smashwords Edition, License Notes This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only and must not be resold If you'd like to share this book with other people, please purchase additional copies If you're reading this and didn't purchase it, please support and respect the work of this author by going to Smashwords.com and doing so To Grandma Hazel, who was a natural in the kitchen, And to Aunt Norma, who told me I should write a book, And of course to Mom, who—God love her—fed us all On the Menu Chapter One: Introduction and Helpful Tips Chapter Two: Chili and French Bread Chapter Three: Crab-stuffed Mushrooms with Garlic Bread Chapter Four: Sweet and Sour Pork with Rice Chapter Five: Meatloaf with Twice-baked or Oven-fried Potatoes and Chilli Sauce Chapter Six: Oven-fried Chicken with Peaches, Biscuits, Gravy and Green Beans Chapter Seven: Pizza, Calzones, and Pizza Rolls Chapter Eight: Shrimp Eggrolls with Fried Rice or Ramen Noodles Chapter Nine: Spaghetti and Meat Balls with Veggie Sauce Chapter Ten: Beef and Bean Burritos or Tostadas Chapter Eleven: Stuffed Flounder with Tomato and Zucchini Casserole Chapter Twelve: Chicken Parmesan Subs and Green Salad with Vinaigrette Dressing Chapter Thirteen: Scallops au gratin with Deep-Fried Potatoes and Cole Slaw Chapter Fourteen: Spinach Manicotti and Stuffed Mushrooms Chapter Fifteen: Shrimp Cocktail and Green Salad with Ranch Dressing Chapter Sixteen: Chicken Chimichangas Chapter Seventeen: Macaroni and Cheese with Applesauce and Steamed Broccoli Chapter Eighteen: Roast Turkey, Stuffing, Almond Green Beans, and Ambrosia Chapter Nineteen: French Toast, Strawberry Jam, and Sausage Chapter Twenty: Mushroom and Cheese Omelets Chapter Twenty-One: Cinnamon Rolls Chapter Twenty-Two: Strawberry Shortcake Chapter Twenty-Three: Chocolate Chip Cookies Chapter Twenty-Four: Boston Cream Pie Chapter Twenty-Five: Half-Moon Cookies Chapter Twenty-Six: Strawberry Cake Roll Chapter Twenty-Seven: Brownies Chapter Twenty-Eight: Classic Cherry Pie Chapter Twenty-Nine: Carrot Cake Chapter Thirty: Cream Puffs and Eclairs Chapter Thirty-One: Rainbow Birthday Cake Chapter Thirty-Two: Chocolate Cream or Chocolate Mousse Pie Chapter One Introduction Greetings to you, who longs to throw together tasty treats that can’t be beat, right there in your own home sweet home! Originally the title of this book was Timing is Everything, but I felt it would be far too dull Nevertheless, the original point of this tome is to help those already comfortably constructing a sandwich to get an understanding of how to get an entire menu full of complimentary recipes to simultaneously hit the table at the peak of perfection The monkey thing was just a cheap lure to get you inside the cover, but was also intended to create the impression that cooking can be fun and relatively simple—which it is Yes, I’ll bet there’s definitely a contented ape somewhere who can go beyond making a sandwich, and if he or she can it, surely you can too! At least I think so What, I must ask, you have to lose? Not as much as you have to gain, I assure you, if you’ve been living on fast or frozen food Expect an immediate trade up in terms of sensual experiences and to get a lot more value out of your food dollar Just make sure you’ve got a fire extinguisher handy While I'm only joking, of course Or not, perhaps, in the case of those just beginning to monkey around in the intimidating jungle of cuisine So anyway, at first this book was all about meal coordination for the beginning cook, and then I realized that of course I had to throw in a lot of desserts at the end to really make it a party—although those of you who already throw perfect parties aren’t going to learn much from me On the other hand, if you suspect that any primate could throw a better one, I’m going to try to spare you a lot of pain and suffering by telling you in perhaps excruciating detail just what to when and why Please remember that this is only my way of doing these things, and I keep changing my mind Cooking, like everything else, is enhanced by personal style, and you’ll develop your own tastes—for example, in seasonings—as you gain experience In actual fact, I hardly ever make anything quite the same way twice, since the experienced cook will constantly be making allowances due to issues like the quality of the ingredients or the tastes of those headed for the table Of course, precision in measurements has to with the complicated chemistry of cuisine, and is much more crucial in baking than in, for instance, salad making On the other hand, playing fast and loose with ingredients in any recipe is also a recipe for disaster The main thing to remember when experimenting with something like a pasta sauce or a salad dressing is that in cooking—as in life—balance is everything The fundamental rule is that no specific ingredient should shout out its identity from the finished dish Think circumspect elegance Think smooth It’s just like Chopin tossing off a nocturne: if you’re really good, nobody will be able to tell exactly what's in there, while the extrasensitive may be reduced to tears You can it! It’ll all be worth it too, because you truly are what you eat, as they say, so eat good; while in terms of ingredients, I sincerely hope you’ll find at least a few things here that suit your dietary taste and needs, as I try to throw a relatively healthy and happy party Also, bearing in mind that a lot of beginning cooks may be watching their budgets, I’ve tried to choose recipes made from things that aren’t too expensive and are readily available in most American groceterias As a matter of fact, I briefly considered calling this book Dirt Cheap Dining, since—having chosen to spend my life in nurturing occupations—I’ve always lived fairly close to the edge of destruction, and so was forced by my almost insanely demanding personal standards to learn to cook nearly everything my family loves from scratch in my sleep There are worse fates! You are what you eat! Cooking is the first—and in some respects still the finest—of art forms, as it can nurture both and soul My Grandmother—to whom this book is principally dedicated— was so good at it that she seldom bothered to write measurements into her recipes, which is one of the reasons why my personal standards became so high in the first place Yes, the pathetic, almost unnatural craving I still have for her long-lost chocolate pudding is one of the things that inspired me to write this little book for her greatgrandchildren and you by extension, so that she and I can continue to conjure up tasty treats for everybody from the Great Beyond I feel, you see, almost a cosmic duty For instance, my Aunt Norma—a victim of the very same craving as my own—was once foolish enough to try to duplicate the chocolate pudding recipe, over and over and over, in a truly tragic case of creeping insanity May God have mercy on us all! Amen Helpful Safety Tips And now, here’s the first round of what will surely be several important safety tips, inserted throughout this book in a somewhat maternal fashion, because I just can’t help myself First of all—in the spirit of prevention—I’ve come to feel that those who yearn to cook are often also creative, right-brain types who cringe at the realization that survival in the kitchen requires third-grade math skills, and so I begin with the following equivalents: * teaspoons = tablespoon tablespoons = 1/4 cup 1/3 tablespoons = 1/3 cup quart = pints = cups * This should be especially helpful when doubling recipes; and I realize that readers outside the USA may be thinking metric, and so apologize that there’s no such equivalents in the recipes I’m sorry, but being a right-brainer, I just hate math Next: please remember that a great kitchen—like a great mind—is usually a clean and calm place as well, so tidy up along the way and yours will be more efficient, healthier, and less accident-prone Better to compulsively wash and dry everything than to spread germs and slippery havoc wherever you go Go buy a package of cheap bar wipes, rather than spend a small fortune on paper towels Julia Child always had a kitchen towel hanging from her apron, and when I noticed that my life got a lot easier And then, when learning to slice and dice—and forevermore—never, never, never take your eyes off the knife once it’s in your hand This is dangerously bad form comparable to taking one’s eye off the ball in games of sport, with potentially much more serious consequences For instance, once little Chopin’s parents realized that he was destined to be one of the greatest pianists that ever lived, he was thereafter forbidden to even touch a knife And on that note, we come to the most important safety tips of all: keep that knife way out of reach of your toddler and leave those pot handles turned at angles that can’t be bumped; while if you feel yourself moving too fast, you’re probably asking for trouble Watch out, in particular, for cats and kids underfoot Keep cool, as a rule While another classic way to ask for trouble is to turn the heat on anything all the way up You really don’t need to that to achieve a vigorous boil or bring oil to frying temperature, while the highest of heat equals the greatest potential for things to start moving too fast Contrariwise, don’t turn the heat down too low If it’s not bubbling at all, the magic of kitchen chemistry is not kicking in And speaking of heat, although these days almost all ovenware is relatively indestructible, should you decide to keep something on hold in the refrigerator before baking—and you’re using some cool, perhaps inherited, glass or ceramic cookware— please be very sure that your treasured bakeware can go cold into a hot oven without cracking, or you’ll be so very sorry on a multitude of levels Similarly, if you decide to freeze something like leftover applesauce in glass jars for long-term storage, remember to leave a little headroom in those jars for expansion, since we all remember from science class that water expands when it freezes; and if you didn’t pay attention in class—and you still haven’t learned to pay attention to me—well then, you’ll just have to learn the hard way, and the rest of the class won’t feel sorry for you, now will we? Let’s see: what else ? Ah, here’s a good one: never serve anything that requires dunking of any kind to a crowd unless you’ve removed all the furniture and carpeting from the room Even then —especially if there’s children present—there’s bound to be at least one laundry-related tragedy Ditto anything remotely runny or easily crumbled—like tacos—where the potential messiness factor goes right through the roof, because if that stuff drips on somebody’s shirt, it may just stay there forever While in a similar vein, here’s an especially important tip for beginning bakers: flour + an open window + a delightful summer breeze = disaster Plus, here’s something that I was in denial about for years, but which is actually very important for those of you who plan to cook for crowds: be aware that—in terms of your personal health—tasting this and that all day long for testing purposes can actually amount to eating another entire meal if you’re not careful Especially if you start indulging in a nice big spoonful, when you know very well that a tiny taste is all that’s needed, because—well, it just tastes and smells so good And mulling over the subject of healthier cooking now brings me to the subject of parchment paper: a minor miracle that’s always been available to chefs—now to be had in my groceteria; and if you can find it and afford it, I strongly advise you to line your bakeware with it Not only does it turn even the most antique of pans into a truly nonstick surface, it takes a major chunk of fat out of your diet, while making everything brown correctly Now that I finally have access to it, the hours I used to spend scrubbing bakeware have begun to seem like nothing but a bad dream However, memories linger, to the point where I myself am old enough to always be suspicious of the phrase non-stick cookware—especially when it comes to the delicate art of baking Nevertheless, even back then—occasionally up to the elbows in the slimy fallout of some amateur meltdown—I knew what I’m once again telling you now, which is that all this bubble, bubble, toil and trouble is well worth it You can it! Would I lie, just to sell a few books? Trust me, I want life to be a party for my loved ones and the rest of creation by extension, and a party—as everyone knows—just doesn’t really feel like a party without great food Well all right then, let’s go monkey around in the kitchen! Chapter Two Chili and French Bread Well, way back in the Pleistocene Era, when I first started keeping house, one of the best friends I ever had told me with divinely reassuring conviction that any fool can make chili, and she was right If I were going to actually try to teach a monkey to cook something, this recipe might be it Hopefully, the ease of chili-making will then leave your mind free to learn how to bake bread if you’ve never tried it before; but if you’re intimidated or bored by bread-making, just go buy a loaf or some flour tortillas and you’ll still find plenty of satisfaction However, if you’ve begun to think that this cooking thing is kinda fun and you get really excited by the aroma when you drive by a bakery, then you’d be doing yourself a big favor by learning how to bake bread I’ve cranked out thousands of loaves, and had a great time spoiling my family with it to the point that I’ve come to feel the need to leave this book behind, if only to prevent them from going into some sort of withdrawal Plus, I hope I’m correct when thinking that I’ve also saved thousands of dollars that were much better spent at the bookstore, while eliminating at least a few cryptic chemicals from our diet So why not give it a try? The next time you find yourself with a cold winter’s day and nowhere to go, fill your home-sweet-home with the smell of this meal and by dinnertime everyone will be your slave The longer the chili simmers, within reason, the better it tastes Plus, you can make vast quantities and freeze the leftovers for a fast and just-as-good-as-the-first-time treat While in terms of timing, this is a menu that can take all day, or as little as three hours if you shorten the process by using the canned kidney beans; but if you it’s really not such a good idea to buy something labeled chili beans, since they may already contain added flavorings Otherwise, this whole thing takes about seven hours, but the first four are just a soaking period for the beans, during which time you could go rob a bank or something and come back This is an especially good idea if you plan to also buy your bread at a bakery, since a little extra cash will come in handy in that department; plus you get to run two errands at the same time, so you see it really pays in so many ways to cook from scratch! Live and learn Well anyway, after the soaking period, you start the beans and chili simmering away on the stove, and then go to work on the bread, where rising time will vary according to the air temperature in your kitchen However, during both the rising and the baking you’re once again free to something else—just checking in once in a while to stir up the chili and make sure that it’s still bubbling away in a low-key sort of way I’d have to ask Betty Crocker to tell you why, but for some reason it’s one of those things that just tastes better if it simmers away—blending those flavors nice and slow—for a really long time And then, this recipe will feed four of the aforementioned slaves, who may trample you when the bread comes out of the oven Don’t stand between them and it while trying to explain that—to really be at its peak—the bread needs to cool off for just ten minutes or they may turn on you You think I’m joking, don’t you? I just hope you have the good sense to grab the best piece Sequence of Events For best results, start soaking the dry kidney beans about hours before you plan to serve After about hours, proceed with the chili recipe Mix up the bread once all is bubbling away on the stove, leaving everything to simmer and rise for about hour Shape your loaves—letting them rise again for ½ hour, and then it’ll need another 20 minutes to bake Once the bread’s done, let it cool for about 10 minutes before slicing—and at this point your meal can wait for hours if necessary, since the chili will only be improved by a long, slow simmer, while the bread can be briefly refreshed in the oven Chili * ½ cup dry kidney beans pound ground beef large onion, chopped ½ teaspoon salt to tablespoons chili powder large cans = to 1½ pounds fresh tomatoes, peeled and chopped * Attention parents: if your child flees in terror at the mere mention of an onion, be sure to chop it into very large pieces, which will reduce in size, but still be large enough to be easily found and removed, as compromise rules * Wash the beans, place them in a small saucepan, pour boiling water over all, cover and let them soak for about hours You may recall that in the previous chapter I said you could shorten this time if necessary, but in this case you want your beans to remain intact, so extra care is called for You may also recall that traditionally you soak beans in cold water overnight, but Drain the beans into a colander, rinsing both them and the pot Return them to the saucepan, cover with water to ½ inch above the surface of the beans, bring to a boil, and then let them simmer over medium-low heat for about an hour; and also unlike the previous chapter, you aren’t thinking in terms of fork-tender here That happens later, after they’re added to the chili mixture, which comes next While the beans are simmering, in your biggest saucepan, begin to brown the beef over medium heat, but don't break it up too much, because you want to end up with recognizable chunks Also, the amount of fat in this recipe depends on the grade of meat you’re using; and I know that there are those who claim that the flavor of the fat is essential, and who would certainly be appalled as I now advise you to pour off most of it into a cup after the initial browning—discarding it after it’s cooled, rather than pouring it down the drain, which is a very bad idea on both practical and ecological levels The best thing of course, when one is strapped for cash, is to just pay for ¾ of a pound of the good stuff Once it starts to turn color, stir in the onion When the beef is browned and the onion translucent, add the salt and the chili powder Cook, stirring, for about minutes, and then add the tomatoes—breaking them up a little with your spoon if they’re coming from a can However, they’ll break down a lot more as they cook, and once again, you want to end up with a few recognizable chunks Bring everything to the boiling point, then lower the heat to simmer for about ½ hour This is the best time to mix together the bread dough; but if you have all afternoon and would like to simmer the chili longer for maximum tastiness, just start the bread about 2½ hours before you plan to eat Add the precooked beans with their liquid, and simmer for at least another hour—being sure to stir it periodically; and if you’re using beans from a can, now’s the time to toss them in Your bubbling brew will of course get thicker as it simmers, while thickness of chili is a matter of personal taste Some who think of chili as a relatively soupy dish throw in a cup of water along with the tomatoes, and if you feel you’ve let it go too long, you can always similarly water it down French Bread Well I have at least a dozen recipes for French bread and no two are the same One says 2/3 cup milk, and another says never ever put milk in it or a large, unhappy man in a French chef’s uniform will come knocking on your door bent on teaching you a lesson One says oil is unthinkable and another says use melted shortening, which may actually send chills up the spine of the aforementioned man in uniform One says roll the dough into a rectangle first; another says shape it gently with your hands Some say bake over steam, some say glaze the loaf with egg white, and some say bake on a cornmeal-sprinkled sheet What's the true recipe? You tell me Well, I estimate that I have baked several thousand loaves in almost every combination of these directions, and nine times out of ten, here's what I Occasionally I’ll use the egg white wash to make some sort of seed stick to it Sometimes I’ll even throw some toasted sesame right into the bread; but I soon gave up on trying to save fat and duplicate that bakery taste by using cornmeal, since it began to feel like luxury not worth the time, mess, or expense * 1½ cups very warm water tablespoon sugar tablespoon = package yeast teaspoons salt tablespoons optional light oil or toasted wheat germ to cups bread flour * Officially, the water needs to be about 110 degrees, but for practical purposes: if you wouldn’t want to swim in it, neither will the yeast As a rule I only put the oil in there if I need to keep it overnight, but if you so desire, use olive, canola, or vegetable oil However, when I can afford luxury items I often add the wheat germ—a tasty addition that replaces some of the fiber that’s lost when flour’s processed and also has a bit of oil in it; while if you want to get rid of the refined sugar, you can substitute honey Bread flour’s the best of course due to its superlatively glutinous rising propensities, but you can get swell results with unbleached white all-purpose if necessary, while up to half of the flour can be whole-wheat, but only add it after you’ve started with white, and don't use it for kneading Also, for some reason I now want to climb up on a soapbox and say that I don’t know why anybody uses bleached flour anymore Hopefully some equally incensed crusader will soon explain it to me Put the sugar and the water into a large bowl and sprinkle your dry and dormant yeast over the surface In a few minutes it’ll have sunk to the bottom, eaten the sugar, and come back to life—proving itself with an entertaining show in the form of foamy blobs rising back up to the surface If it doesn’t proof, your yeast has gone beyond dormant and has instead expired Once your yeast has proved itself, add the salt, cups of flour, and optional oil or toasted wheat germ Beat well until it’s very smooth and elastic with a wooden spoon, fork, or the dough hook of a heavy-duty mixer Start adding more flour until the dough forms a cohesive, slightly-sticky ball If you're using whole-wheat flour, alternate it with the white—being sure to only use white for the kneading and shaping soon to come First, unless circumstances permit you to line your pan with the miracle of parchment paper, you must next carefully grease and flour it, or your cake will stick to that utensil as though super-glued, and the party will be over Even then, layering requires one piece of paper for the bottom of the pan, and then you either grease and flour the side or cut another strip to lay flat against it, because using just one piece of paper for the whole thing will result in wrinkles in the side that are likely to tear your cake apart— either when you try to remove the paper, or when you apply the frosting * Thinly coat the entire inside surface of your pan with shortening, using a pastry brush, a paper towel, or just your fingers Oil will not work Before there was shortening cooks used butter, which is fine if you have a problem with shortening for health reasons, but I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason why everybody switched over, even if I can’t explain it Sprinkle about tablespoons of flour into the pan Turn it around and sideways and whatever until the shortening’s completely coated with a thin layer of flour Hold the pan upside-down over the sink and tap it lightly to remove any excess flour, and be sure to stand right next to the sink when you this, so that the flour will get all over you—providing much-needed comic relief for whoever may be hanging around watching * Next, one performs the fairly tedious task of washing, drying, peeling, and grating the carrots before pumping precious energy into the oven After that it’s all quick and easy * Preheat the oven to 325 degrees In a large bowl, mix together the dry ingredients: flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon Add the carrots, oil, and eggs until well blended Scrape the bottom and sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula, and then beat for about minutes at medium-high speed Try to be fairly accurate about this, as overbeating or underbeating affect volume and texture What this means, in practical terms, is that if you don’t beat some air into it, your batter will not bake up into the delicately light confection you crave On the other hand, if you put too much air into cake batter—or if your pans are too small—it’s going to expand, ooze out over the top, hit the floor of the oven, and make one of the biggest messes you've ever seen in your whole life Pour the batter into your prepared pan and then bake in the center of the oven for 50 to 60 minutes for the sheet cake, or 40 minutes for the layers Timing, of course, can be slightly variable from oven to oven, and so one tests for doneness by inserting a toothpick into the center If it comes out clean, your cake is baked If you don't have a toothpick, press gently on the center, and it should spring back into shape It will also be a deeply golden brown and have pulled slightly away from the sides of the pan Cool it completely on a rack before frosting When it first comes out, leave it in the pan for about 10 minutes Then put a rack over the pan and invert everything, so that the cake is now resting on the rack when you lift off the pan This is good enough for cooling purposes, but the delicate top of the cake may still stick to the rack—damaging the frosting surface—so to be truly correct you should immediately get yet another rack, and flip everything back over—especially when doing layers Cream Cheese Frosting * ounces cream cheese ¼ cup butter teaspoon vanilla cups confectioner's sugar * This amount will nicely for a sheet cake When layering and therefore frosting the sides as well, you’ll probably need more: * ½ ounces cream cheese 3/8 cup butter ½ teaspoon vanilla cups confectioner's sugar * Warm the cream cheese and butter into a more pliable state in a mixer bowl at room temperature while the cake cools off Add the vanilla and beat well on high speed until the mixture is light and fluffy, and when making frosting it’s especially important to pause periodically through the entire process to scrape the bottom and sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula to properly blend your ingredients Gradually add the sugar and beat on high until of frosting consistency—an ambiguous instruction found in most of my cookbooks meaning—in the olden days— until your arm feels like it may fall off Even when employing modern technology, you should still expect it to take as much as minutes Next, of course, you spread the frosting on the cake, and perhaps a monkey actually could the trick of simply spreading this frosting on a sheet cake, although layers are a little bit trickier First, place one layer upside down on your serving plate, top it with about 1/4 inch of frosting, and then carefully put the other layer on right side up Next frost the sides, as thinly as you can, and you’ll find a metal spatula really helps if you have one Put the remainder on top, and at this point some like to chop up a few walnuts and lightly press them in as an optional topper Happy Birthday, Harvey! Chapter Thirty Cream Puffs and Eclairs Now here’s a time-honored classic that doesn’t last long in our house—even if I’m the only one there It’s that pastry cream which so reminds me of my childhood and subsequently tempts me to abandon all thought of balanced nutrition until every last one of those tasty treats is gone So if you live alone, I guess you might want to cut the recipe in half; while contrariwise, if you have a very large family you might actually need to double the recipe in order to get any at all With the quantities listed below, you should expect to end up with somewhere between one dozen big fat puffs or two dozen little ones, while making x inch shapes yields éclairs—something I actually still occasionally, even though I no longer own a pastry bag designed for piping purposes, to have their unique experience However, taste-wise there’s very little difference, and so I usually just stick with your basic blobs Either way, if I were you, I’d forget about counting and just try to make them all approximately the same size If they’re too big, they may not puff properly, as the outside may burn before the inside dries out; while if they’re too small it’s harder to fill them with cream Better too small than too big, though, because the whole idea is to get the inside almost all dried out before the outside turns unappetizingly dark, which is of course, a matter of opinion People also disagree about what temperature to bake them at, and for how long—just like every recipe also seems to differ over the perfect balance of ingredients—but here’s what I usually Cream Puff Pastry * cup water ½ cup butter teaspoon sugar ½ teaspoon salt cup flour eggs * Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Bring the water, butter, sugar, and salt to a rolling boil in the biggest saucepan you own over medium heat If it won’t hold at least quarts, you may be in for trouble Remove it from the heat and add the flour, all at once, stirring vigorously with a wooden spoon; and there’s an actual reason that you need to use a wooden spoon instead of a metal one, and I sure wish I could remember what it is I’ve seen recipes where people use heatproof rubber spatulas instead—sometimes switching to an electric mixer for maximum lightness when adding the eggs—but I’ve always just stuck with the spoon… Return it to the heat, stirring constantly for about a minute, until it forms a ball You’ll notice traces of a thin white film on the sides of the pan at this point Cool it down on the countertop for about minutes Beat in the eggs, one at a time, with continued vigor, intent on incorporating as much air as possible, until it all comes together into a smooth, shiny paste; and every time you this, it can at first cause slippery and intimidating lumps to form that soon disappear Some people add all the eggs at once, which also works fine, but it’s more difficult because at first it seems like a monument to sliminess Place 12 mounds of dough about inches apart on a baking sheet, which doesn’t need to be greased, but it should be pretty shiny in order to avoid those nasty overbrowned bottoms, while the whole process is of course enhanced and simplified by sheets of parchment paper Bake approximately 30 minutes, until golden brown and dry to the appearance Then—if there’s no toddlers about—you might want turn off the heat, but still leave them in the oven with the door cracked open to enhance the drying agenda You’re aiming for slightly crispy here, which is traditionally part of the thrill If you take them out too soon, they may collapse and even appear squishy, but they’ll probably still taste mighty fine Cool them completely before filling Pastry Cream/Custard/Pudding/Filling Call it what you like, this yummy stuff is what you get when white sugar mixed with flour or cornstarch and a pinch of salt meets milk or cream over medium heat until it bubbles and binds Then egg yolks are added for color, richness, and shine, along with various flavorings—usually starting with vanilla, and in my case frequently continuing on to chocolate People argue, of course, about how much to use of what—whether to use cornstarch, flour, or a combination; how much sugar and how many eggs; whether to add butter at the end Well it all often depends upon what you intend to with it next, but I find that the following works fine for the recipes to be found in this book, where you’ll also find it layered into the middle of the Boston cream pie—and where you’ll also find this recipe repeated, word-for-word, for the convenience of us both My version’s a little sweeter than some and heavy on the vanilla * ½ cup sugar tablespoons cornstarch a pinch of salt cups milk egg yolks, slightly beaten tablespoon vanilla oz optional, melted semi-sweet chocolate * Combine the sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a roomy saucepan Gradually whisk in the milk and place over medium heat After this, in terms of technique, it works just like the preceding sauce recipe, where you bring your milk mixture to a slow boil, while constantly whisking and scraping —with a heatproof spatula—for about minutes, until it thickens into something a bit more substantial that will eventually just barely hold its shape after it cools all the way down Take it off the heat and pour in the egg yolks in a slow, steady stream while whisking constantly Return it to the burner and boil, stir, and scrape for another minute Remove your custard from the stovetop, stir in the vanilla and the optional chocolate, and then pour it into a bowl to cool As soon as it’s lukewarm, you can put it into the refrigerator to speed things up, but don’t proceed with any larger recipes until it’s truly cool and all set up Final Assembly Next, of course, one generally fills their puffs with either the preceding pastry cream that most are going to expect—especially in an éclair—or just simple whipped cream, although you can put ice cream or even plutonium in there Yes, it’s your puff, while those new to whipping cream should check out the strawberry shortcake chapter Plus, if you make the pastry cream right after those puffs go into the oven, it should be reasonably cool when they’re at their peak Gently remove the top of each puff, spoon in some filling, and replace the top; and at this point perfectionists craving crispy often remove whatever still seems to be damp inside, but I’ve just never gone there Also, those so fortunate as to own the previously mentioned piping equipment can instead neatly inject the filling through a hole, enhancing both appearance and ease of munching Dust with confectioner’s sugar if you like or—as is expected with éclairs— improve upon perfection by slathering on the following chocolate icing Refrigerate or serve immediately Chocolate Icing * ounce = square unsweetened chocolate teaspoon butter cup confectioner’s sugar tablespoons steaming hot water * Melt your chocolate and butter in a small saucepan over very low heat Add half of the sugar slowly, and then half of the water until nice and smooth Then add the rest of the sugar, followed by the rest of the water—perhaps a little more or less than tablespoons, as needed to achieve spreading consistency Chapter Thirty-One Rainbow Birthday Cake Well here it is: your basic black and white, waiting-for-that-scoop-of-ice-cream birthday cake—in this case, with a fairly dark chocolate on the inside and rainbow candy sprinkles enhancing the balancing vanilla outside, since we like that sort of kid stuff around here You know, light years ago, when my kids were truly little, I once actually tried to duplicate the candy-house cake that beckoned to my titillated birthday child from the pages of Betty Crocker’s cookbook Not pretty, I assure you; and all I can say is that the partygoers forgave me and thankfully did not die of sugar overload, while I soon learned my limits when it comes to festive food decoration—hence the rainbow sprinkles here, which were in fact a lastminute inspiration generated by my sweet little girl—all grown up now—as we baked this one together for a friend Enjoy! Rainbow Birthday Cake * ounces = squares unsweetened baking chocolate ½ cup butter cup granulated white sugar ½ cup brown sugar, packed firmly into the measuring cup cups all-purpose flour ½ teaspoons baking soda ½ teaspoon salt eggs teaspoon vanilla ¼ cups buttermilk * First, place the chocolate to melt in a small pan over the lowest heat Check on it after about minutes, stir it up with a wooden spoon or heatproof spatula until it’s just melted, and then take it off the burner so it can cool back down a bit Next, cut the butter into small pieces, so it can soften up in your largest mixer bowl while you prepare the pans and measure everything out Now traditionally, one greases a cake pan by using a pastry brush or a paper towel to spread a thin layer of butter or shortening over the entire baking surface Then you sprinkle it with a little bit of flour and shake it around until the surface is coated—tapping it upside-down over the sink to remove excess However, to obtain the results pictured here: lightly grease two fundamentally non-stick, 9-inch round cake pans by rubbing them with the end of a stick of butter, and then line just the bottoms with parchment paper Some cooks then grease the paper and furthermore flour the whole thing to be absolutely sure of even browning and ease of removal, and I’m going to tell you to make your own call on that one, based on the condition of your pans Lightly mix together the white and brown sugars and set this aside Sift together the flour, baking soda, and salt and set aside; and if you don’t own a sifter you can just mix things well by hand, but serious bakers sift for superlative ingredient distribution and its subsequent superlative results If your baked goods don’t seem as pretty as the pictures or perhaps have little brown spots all over them, it might be because the leavening agent’s not properly incorporated Measure out the buttermilk and set it aside Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Add the sugar to the butter and cream at medium-high speed until all is light and fluffy—stopping to scrape the bottom and sides of the bowl frequently, of course—now and throughout the entire mixing process—to make sure all is completely fluffed Then add the eggs and beat similarly Next, blend in the vanilla and cooled chocolate at low speed Finally, add about half the flour mixture—still at low speed—then about half the milk, followed by the rest of the flour, and the last of the milk, until all is well mixed Beat hard at medium-high for about minutes; and timing’s important here because it’s all about putting just the right amount of air in there, so watch your watch Divide the batter evenly between your prepared pans—making sure it’s nice and level—and then bake those layers in the center of the oven for approximately 30 minutes When done, they’ll feel firm to the fingertip in the middle, where an inserted toothpick should come out clean Cool them—still in the pans—for about minutes on a rack Then remove them from the pans and let them cool completely on the rack before frosting Beginner tip: always be sure to loosen the edges of cake layers like these with a dull knife before turning them out onto a cooling rack; and then—in order keep their more delicate tops from sticking to the rack—they need to cool right side up This actually involves a two-step flip, done with three racks, in the following manner: First, place rack #1 on top of one of your layer pans, grab on tight to both pan and rack—with potholders if necessary—and flip everything over, so that the top of your cake is now resting on #1 Next, remove the pan, place rack #2 on top your newly exposed bottom, grab hold of both racks—and the cake, which is now between them, of course—and re-flip—so that your cake is now resting right-side-up, on top of #2—this time grabbing as lightly as possible, so as to not press cake into the wires Remove rack #1; and then repeat this process with the other layer by reaching for rack #3 Once all is cool, place a layer upside-down on an attractive plate and spread it ¼ inch thick with the frosting to be found below Then put the other layer on top of this—also upside-down; although you don’t have to the upside-down part—it just makes the surface more uniform in presentation It looks swell the other way too, but the more delicate top of your cake may correspondingly be more likely to tear, so be careful Spread frosting all around the side of your cake, also about ¼ inch thick; while beginners will probably find this to be the trickiest part Work with small quantities of frosting, and spread it from the top down to avoid getting a lot of it on the plate Top your cake with a nice even layer made of the remaining frosting and then sprinkle it with whatever your imagination and heart desires; while if you’re not serving right away, refrigerate it Plus—if layering just doesn’t work for your party plan—almost any cake batter like this one can instead be baked in a parchment-paper-lined, x 13-inch pan at 350 degrees for about an hour; or turned into cupcakes by spooning it into a greased and floured muffin tin—filling its cups about half-full, and baking for only 15 minutes Creamy Vanilla Butter Frosting * cups confectioner’s sugar 3/8 cup butter tablespoons vanilla 1/2 cup sour cream * Take the butter out of the refrigerator when the cake comes out of the oven, so that they can reach room temperature together Cream the softened butter at medium-high speed for a minute or so, and then add the sugar gradually, at low speed Once they’re mixed, turn the machine up to medium-high for about a minute Stir in the vanilla, and then add the sour cream—back at low speed—scraping the bowl frequently, of course—until all is well blended Whip at high for about minutes, until very light and of spreading consistency —stopping at least once along the way to scrape the bowl Happy Birthday to you! Chapter Thirty-Two Chocolate Cream or Chocolate Mousse Pie Now this is the most difficult—but also the most impressive—dessert in the book because you’ll once again be stepping into the intimidating waters of making pie crust; and as I said back in the cherry pie chapter, if you've never done this be prepared to have your first attempt fall apart Just remember, it’s going to taste the same whether it’s pretty or not Your friends will not run screaming in terror Plus, those who may still be intimidated or are simply not fond of traditional pastry may be pleased to find below its modern counterpart: the ever-popular graham cracker crust, a fine alternative for those unable or reluctant to employ a rolling pin Then, either crust can be filled with anything edible in the universe, and in this case one has their choice between the lightness of chocolate mousse or the more pudding-like texture of chocolate cream; while those who might now be wondering if any piecrust might be beyond their reach should remember that both of these fillings can be spooned into dessert dishes to make a simpler, yet also swell, end to any sweet occasion Whichever one you choose, you’ll be topping it with whipped cream, and beginners wishing instruction in same will hopefully find it toward the end of the strawberry shortcake chapter Sequence of Events Bake your pie shell of choice and set it to cool on a rack Now those making the mousse pie should wait until the shell is completely cool before filling and refrigerating On the other hand, those making the chocolate pudding that forms the bottom layer of the cream pie, should pour it into the shell, wait until all is no longer warm to the touch, and refrigerate at least hours before topping that chilled, somehow expectant chocolate with whipped cream Graham Cracker Crust * ½ cups graham cracker crumbs ½ cup granulated sugar tablespoons butter * Now you can buy your crackers pre-pulverized, or you can let your food processor it for you You can even it without technology like I did way back in the Pleistocene Era when I set my sights on black-bottom pie with a gingersnap crust that I made by putting those snaps into a heavy-duty plastic bag, where they were subsequently bashed over and over and over again with this little bitty hammer somebody with my best interests at heart had somehow left behind in my kitchen * Preheat your oven to 375 degrees Melt the butter in a medium saucepan Mix in the sugar, and then the crumbs Gently but firmly press this mixture onto the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie plate, while you may recall that this is the tricky part Start with the bottom, work from the center out, and be aware that my crust is thicker than average Bake to minutes, until set and slightly browned Cool completely on a rack before filling And now—to warn those of you who may worry about déjà vu—I shall be repeating —almost word-for-word—the pie crust recipe also featured elsewhere in this book, with minor changes stemming from the fact that this is a one-crust, pre-baked pie shell Traditional Pie Crust * cup all-purpose flour ẵ teaspoon salt 1/3 cup shortening ẳ cup ice cold water * Two things are essential to remember when making pie crust: you must measure accurately, and you must cultivate a light touch, as over-handling develops the gluten— just like when you knead bread—and correspondingly toughens the finished product Also—nearly a century ago now—not having access to hydrogenated shortening out there on the farm, my Aunt Phoebe actually chose to use lard because it made her crust so flaky; while those wary of shortening might instead agree with the spirit of Julia Child, who’d probably be quick to argue that starting with a properly chilled slab of premium butter is really the only way * Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Combine the flour and the salt with a sifter for best results, or mix together with a fork Cut in the shortening with a pastry cutter or two knives—rubbing their surfaces together to blend the ingredients, just until your mixture resembles coarse meal The tiny bits of shortening that remain contribute to the flakiness—to the point where some say that a food processor can really blend the dough too well for this type of pastry; so if you really love pie and other sinfully delicious shortening-laden delights, you’d better break down and buy a pastry cutter: a fist-sized handle, with U-shaped wires suspended from it, that’s not very expensive Sprinkle the water over the mixture one tablespoon at a time, mixing rapidly with a fork until the dough forms a ball Lightly shape and smooth the ball with your hands until it feels truly cohesive, and then pat it into a smooth, flat round Roll the dough on a well-floured surface into a circle that’s inches larger than the diameter of your or 9-inch pie pan—starting from the center, and lifting the pin slightly upon reaching the edge Turn it over at least once during the process, being sure to keep the surface well-floured Even-up the edges as you go, but don't worry if it's not perfectly round, because you’ll be able to redistribute it a little bit after it's in the pan Fold the rolled crust gently in half Lift it carefully into the pie pan and unfold Press it firmly, without stretching, into the pan—from the center out—to get rid of air pockets If you stretch it, it's going to buckle when you bake it Even-up the pastry around the rim, and then press all around with the flat side of the fork to make a decorative pattern and seal it to the pan You can shape this edge into any attractive pattern that you like, but be sure it adheres to the outer edge of the pan to keep the crust from shrinking Prick the crust carefully and generously with the fork to get rid of still more tiny air pockets that can expand when they hit the heat After it's been in the oven for a couple of minutes, peek in at it, and if it's puffing up anywhere, prick it again quickly—trying not to let any more heat escape from the oven than necessary Bake about 10 minutes, until your piecrust just begins to brown Remove it to a cooling rack while you prepare the filling Eggomania Now no matter which of the following fillings you choose, the first step is to separate some eggs; and please don’t let this scare you, because the eventual thrill provided by this monument to chocolate will almost certainly be worth the trouble of learning how to it Plus, once you get the hang of it, you’ll feel so terribly clever you won’t be able to stand it To separate an egg: first rap it sharply—but not too hard—on the edge of a medium-sized bowl to crack it, rather than smash it Then hold it upright over your bowl with the crack running horizontally, and as you gently pull the shell apart, most of the white will spill over and fall into the bowl, but the yolk should remain in the bottom half of the shell Carefully pour the yolk into the other half of the shell, which will cause more of the white to fall Do this again if necessary until most of the white has fallen, and then put the yolk into another, smaller bowl The main thing is to not puncture the yolk—contaminating the white, which will then refuse to whip I own a Mexican cookbook by an amazing blind woman who actually learned to this by putting the egg into her hand and letting the whites run down through her fingers, so of course you can it Start by separating them one at a time over a cup, so that if you mess up you’ve only ruined one egg white, instead of having to trash them all Buy a bunch of extra eggs, refrigerate your failures in a glass jar, and use them in another recipe Chocolate Mousse * cups heavy whipping cream ½ cup confectioner’s sugar ounces = squares unsweetened baking chocolate tablespoons butter ¼ cup granulated sugar teaspoons vanilla large eggs ¼ cup granulated sugar * Whip the cream until very stiff, adding the confectioner’s sugar at the last minute Half of this cream is destined go into the mousse itself, while the other half will next become the topping Transfer the cream to another bowl and refrigerate You’re going to need the mixer bowl very shortly to make the meringue, unless you’re so fortunate as to own two of them Melt the chocolate and butter over lowest heat until just softened Stir in the first ¼ cup of sugar and the vanilla Separate the eggs and stir the yolks into the chocolate mixture Whip the whites on high speed until foamy, then add the second ¼ cup of sugar gradually, with the beaters still moving, until all is very stiff and glossy Stir about half of this meringue into the chocolate mixture, a few spoonfuls at a time, until it’s smooth and resembles a very thick sauce In the beginning the chocolate mixture’s going to be very thick, so keep stirring and be patient Fold this mixture into the rest of the meringue—a difficult process to describe that involves pouring the chocolate evenly over the egg whites, followed by using a spatula to first cut down into the mixture, with the aim of then folding it over onto itself —rather than the circular stirring motion one generally associates with combining things in a bowl When folding, remember to think about cutting directly into the center of your mixture all the way down to the bottom, with the idea of then folding the bottom over onto the top Then one rotates the bowl slightly on the countertop and repeats, over and over until all is blended—the principal goal of this technique being to keep from deflating your balloon of meringue as little as possible Fold half of the whipped cream into the chocolate meringue, pour it all into your completely cooled pie shell, and then top with the remaining cream Decorate with the shaved chocolate of your choice if desired, and then refrigerate at least hours before serving This thing holds its shape and stays tasty in the fridge overnight if necessary, but is really at its peak if you whip it up during a delightful afternoon and savor it slowly during a romantic twilight Chocolate Cream Filling Now a cream pie filling is really just an extra-thick version of the sort of simple dessert pudding that’s eaten with a spoon, and those of you who read the introduction may recall my mention of the almost unnatural craving for Grandma’s chocolate pudding that became a source of inspiration for this book, which I feel makes it only appropriate that this be the last recipe, because it represents my attempt to cross what I suspect is her depression-era pudding with my Betty Crocker beginnings—leading after all these years to a hybrid recipe that pleases those at my particular table Although I’ve never duplicated Grandma’s taste, I have her recipe, which lacks eggs; but I put some in there anyway, because I feel she probably did it too when they were available Then I changed her flour into cornstarch, because that’s what Betty did; and I upped the chocolate and vanilla because my family seems to like it that way You can this too! It’s fun; while the odds of actually poisoning someone are astronomical! At least I think so Well, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, as they say * ½ squares = ½ oz unsweetened chocolate cup sugar ¼ cup cornstarch 3/8 teaspoon salt cups milk egg yolks, lightly beaten with a fork tablespoon vanilla * Melt the chocolate in a small non-stick saucepan over the lowest of heat Stir it occasionally with a heat-proof rubber spatula, and only heat it until it’s soft, because chocolate burns very easily Combine the sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a roomy saucepan; and then add the milk—whisking until smooth You can all this with an eggbeater or a wooden spoon like Grandma did, but I imagine if she’d had a whisk she would’ve used it Place this mixture over medium heat, alternately whisking almost constantly or scrapping the bottom and sides of the pan with the heat-proof spatula, until it begins to bubble At this point it’s very easy for it to stick to the bottom and burn, so start with a good quality non-stick saucepan if possible—one that also has plenty of room in it, because by the time the pudding comes to a boil it will have also expanded Turn the heat down to low, and add the chocolate Pour the egg yolks into the mixture slowly—in a thin, steady stream—whisking constantly Boil, whisk, and scrape for minute Remove your tasty pudding from the heat, whisk in the vanilla, and pour it into the pastry shell—letting it cool down on the countertop until it’s no longer hot to the touch Refrigerate for hours before topping it with whipped cream * And then, this is where I let myself savor just one great big spoonful of that wonderful stuff while it’s still nice and warm; and suddenly I’m seven years old again— literally tugging on my grandmother’s apron strings as she stirs and stirs and stirs for what seems like forever Finally, she turns to me with a gentle smile and hands me a warm bowl of heaven— with a little bit of cold milk poured on top, just the way I loved it Enjoy! While if you're also hungry for entertainment, you might care to sample some of my fiction at Smashwords.com ... cornstarch mixed with tablespoon water * Now, what vegetables you use are really a matter of taste and availability, but half a red or green sweet pepper, a small carrot, and a small onion or a couple... Seventeen: Macaroni and Cheese with Applesauce and Steamed Broccoli Chapter Eighteen: Roast Turkey, Stuffing, Almond Green Beans, and Ambrosia Chapter Nineteen: French Toast, Strawberry Jam, and Sausage... nice sandwich the next day Leftover baked potatoes can be diced and fried in a little butter or even bacon drippings to go with the eggs and toast at breakfast—another tradition that was apparently