The Willing Misfit A Path to Healthy Selfhood By Derek Pearson Smashwords Edition, version 1.2 Text and Art Copyright 2012 Derek Pearson License Notes: Distribution and non-commercial use of any material in this book is free and unlimited. For commercial use of original material or subsidiary properties, please contact the author for permission. Questions, comments: feel free to contact the author at willingmisfit@gmail.com and to visit the 'Willing Misfit' blog at: http://willingmisfit.blogspot.co.nz There are leaders, and there are followers. And then there are those who live their own lives. * * * Table of Contents Press/Click to navigate Introduction Chapter Zero: FULL CIRCLE Chapter 1: A MAN OF PARTS Chapter 2: INVESTING Chapter 3: HIDDEN LIGHT Chapter 4: PARTIAL PICTURE Chapter 5: OUT OF MIND Chapter 6: BRUISED TO BRUISING Chapter 7: OPEN SEASON Chapter 8: UNTRUE BELIEVER Chapter 9: THE PLUNGE Chapter 10: READY STEADY Chapter 11: THE BURDEN Chapter 12: HOLDING ON Chapter 13: FORK IN THE ROAD Chapter 14: DISTANCE Chapter 15: SHAKING THE BOX Chapter 16: DIGGING DEEP Chapter 17: BOLD BEGINNINGS Chapter 18: ROAD CLOSED Chapter 19: LABOR OF LOVE Chapter 20: SPREADING THIN Chapter 21: CENTERING Chapter 22: SPECULATION Chapter 23: HIGHER, WIDER, DEEPER Chapter 24: A WORK IN PROGRESS Chapter 25: A DESIGN Chapter 26: BEYOND Chapter 27: NOTES FROM THE AUTHOR Introduction Who says it's a negative thing to be a 'misfit'? I don't. With a reassuring pat on the arm, a well- meaning friend says 'I don't think of you as a misfit!' The assumption is that I’d want to fit in to someone else's framework. It might be a wonderful framework, but it's not mine, and I'm very pleased not to feel obliged to fit into it – I’m a willing misfit. But that wasn’t always the case. I’d wanted to be my natural self from way back, but my sense of obligation, the belief that I should fit in, was deeply-ingrained, and caused an inner conflict that took me some years to address. Many people at this point in time are focused on fitting into their society, and defining who they are through its values, because they believe it's the only way to survive. They have a substantial investment in fitting in, so it's unlikely they'll see a positive side to not fitting in. But to some, the daily struggle to fit is too much. Not necessarily because they're weak, inferior or stupid, but because they're more aware than others of their individuality. The issue I aim to address in this book is the growing number of people who find daily life intolerable, because the values they've learned put their own needs last, and they find themselves unable to operate through those values without feeling a crippling sense of self-betrayal. Rather than preaching yet another prescribed 'way' to be imitated and followed, this book examines how you can find your own set of values through honesty, and through integrity of thought and action. It offers tools that help to discover what it is to think for yourself, rather than depending on social logic, and best of all, it prompts and encourages you along a path of your own choosing… to ultimately reveal your own, true, selfhood. - Derek Pearson, March 2012 Back to top Chapter ZERO: FULL CIRCLE I’m going to jump ahead to the conclusion of this book – give you a glimpse of the ending – so there’ll be a sense of where it’s all heading when you start in on chapter one. A concrete term seems necessary for the state that this book sets out to describe, so I’m initiating the term ‘Selfhood’ (at least I think I am – maybe someone else beat me to it!). So what is selfhood? What’s it like to live life in such a state? Mostly it’s an awareness of what choices you have, and a willingness to take responsibility for them. The conscious journey to selfhood begins with a deconstruction of the world you know; a total overhaul of the picture that has been presented to you as ‘normality’ since you were born. At first, it can seem like a battle, because the values that don’t suit you tend to fill your field of vision – but gradually as you define a whole new set of healthy values that work for you, the field becomes wider; the choices more varied, and more clearly defined. In selfhood, you’re consciously making choices in accord with your own idea of the world, rather than automatically operating through - and therefore subjecting yourself to - the values that society collectively defines. It might seem that a life of constant assessment and evaluation would be unnecessarily complex, but it’s not. By its nature, life in selfhood is very simple. As you gradually peel away the socially prescribed aspects of your life, you also dump most of the complexities that define the social aspect of your identity. Gradually your world settles into a state of peaceful clarity. Socially-defined choices carry a subtext that evokes fear: the benefits of acting in your own interests are always weighed against the consequences. But when you live through your own set of principles, you can consider your range of choices without fear or guilt, because they’re your principles. You make the choice instead of submitting to the scary ambiguity of someone else’s decisions. You no longer choose to make anyone else responsible for your life. This is a crucial point. Social values have you believe that someone else makes the choices that control your life – but they don’t, unless you grant them that responsibility: Also your choice. Often our choices are made by the way we live, rather than conscious decision, and the transformation from unconscious to conscious makes up the large part of a journey to selfhood; like the difference between sleeping and waking. With awareness of your choices comes the ability to do what you want every day. You feel a deep sense of fulfilment, and become more and more present to the now: You can appreciate what you have and where you are standing. It’s not an easy road to selfhood. It’s very likely that on the way you’ll become a fairly cold, isolated individual before you find your way back to a genuine desire to be social once more. Many of the aspects of social values that actually work and are important to a healthy life, get dumped along the way when you define your own set of values – like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Often they’re simple human kindnesses and issues of compassion that social values have distorted by adding a subtext of obligation. Obligation is like a snaking vine that’s tangled almost inextricably through many aspects of ‘normal’ social life, and in the drive to neutralize it, healthy aspects of human interaction are temporarily wiped out by association. However, as you settle into selfhood, you stop blaming people for their values and begin to care about them again. When you’re truly free of obligation and duty, you come full circle back round to being a social being once more; relating through your own set of principles, from a genuine kindred feeling. Back to top Chapter 1: A MAN OF PARTS People all around the world are dissatisfied with some, or all of the major elements of their lives: work, education, relationships. But the way things are structured in their societies seems to dictate how they live their lives, and there’s no obvious alternative. Society’s changing fast. Very fast. We’re becoming more aware, more honest with ourselves, because there’s no other direction in which to go. This new honesty is causing an increasing amount of friction as we struggle to hold onto familiar aspects of life that offer us the security we want, but conflict with our new clarity of vision. With the best intentions, we constantly adjust our social systems, but still only cosmetic changes are made to a framework built on a weak foundation. The nature of the foundation itself is never questioned or even pondered on for long, because it's inconceivable that we would, or even could, change it. This foundation, the core of society as we know it, is based on a principle that we willingly subscribe to as we grow up: ‘It's more important for you to be useful than it is to be yourself’. It seems to me this principle is flawed beyond all hope of redemption. Many of the people who subscribe to a society with this value system are satisfied that this is the best, if not the only way to live. They’ll resist attempts to make anything more than minor changes, and ensure that something closely resembling the status quo is maintained for some time yet. And of course, it has to be observed that among those who are dissatisfied, there are degrees of dissatisfaction: most won’t be willing to make major changes at the expense of what they’ve built up in their lives. There are, however, some who are in a very unpleasant place. They’re very aware that things [...]... interested in ‘going all the way’ Others might find some of the material useful in their lives, but stop short of going the whole hog But I think there’s something in this book for everybody - Whether the reader transforms what they read into action or not, there's the potential for their understanding and acceptance of the many people around the world who are acutely aware that the current social framework... when they do operate from the vision - fleeting though they may be - but it can be difficult to maintain an alignment of action and vision when all around them tells them that the vision is wrong; that they should be what the social collective expects of them (and not the least resistant is their own beliefs in the life they know!) This constant conflict obscures their vision of themselves and blocks their... on the values of others When you ignore the voice of your internal integrity, you're tethering yourself to your society; keeping yourself aligned to the default set of values you took on as you grew up The only way to be yourself is to listen to your integrity and act on it The Voice of Integrity It can take some time to get used to distinguishing between the internal voice of your integrity, and the. .. passionately about the issues, and have a deep urge to act in relation to them, then this is the path you must take for the time being But if relating to these same issues leaves you feeling encumbered and weary, it’s time to drop your investment in the victimhood In any case, it’s unlikely you’ll be much help to anyone including yourself - in your weary state Untethered, you can still be aware of the problems... * * * TOOLS STOP! When you feel bad, stop Look at the way you’re relating to the situation at hand It might be difficult, but be ready to recognize your own attitudes as being the cause of your discomfort Often it’s tempting to make yourself out as the victim of the situation, but do you really want to hand the responsibility for how you’re feeling over to someone else? You don’t really need to disempower... aware of their own authority over their life doesn’t take the trouble to oppose - there’s no reason to And this kind of person treats all others - including those in social positions of authority - with respect, because they 1) have no fear of them, 2) care about them as human beings, whatever their beliefs, and 3) are not interested in causing difficulty for themselves The way you relate to others reflects... framework have difficulty relating to authority figures because they’re aware that they want to take back their own authorship of their lives, but aren’t sure how to go about it When dealing with external authority, they’ll put up a stoical front or even engage in conflict just to show that they’re not subject to that authority Determined efforts to show that you’re not subject to authority show you actually... provides a framework that tells them what they can expect from society and what society can expect from them The benefit of belonging to such a framework is the convenience of a ready-made life-plan, but the price is the denial of your true individuality It's become habitual, second nature, to smash down the person you really are, in order to exist in the collective: to fit The wound this causes deep inside... don’t deserve to achieve the best version of ourselves we can imagine (you might be surprised to learn that this is par for the course), we’ll find ourselves regularly confronted by our fears while on the journey to selfhood There’s no way around this one, either: When our aim is to achieve something that we have learned we shouldn’t have, we have to unlearn the stuff that’s blocking the achievement... ideals of approval, status, success For the person who’s made a conscious decision to be their natural self, preserving and realizing such an externally-defined goal is not possible Neither is it desirable The sense of lack owing to suppression of the self is behind the need to ‘make something of yourself’; to ‘leave your mark’ I’m not suggesting the desire to do these things should likewise be suppressed . The Willing Misfit A Path to Healthy Selfhood By Derek Pearson Smashwords Edition, version 1.2 Text and Art Copyright 2012 Derek Pearson License Notes: Distribution. own, true, selfhood. - Derek Pearson, March 2012 Back to top Chapter ZERO: FULL CIRCLE I’m going to jump ahead to the conclusion of this book – give you a glimpse of the ending – so there’ll. deep urge to act in relation to them, then this is the path you must take for the time being. But if relating to these same issues leaves you feeling encumbered and weary, it’s time to drop