[...]... changed for the worse by the belief that grieving requires that we let go of those we love Some, like her, swallow their grief, linger in the pain of missing those they love, and never experience the consoling benefits of lasting love Equally tragically, many others struggle to sever, forget, or ignore meaningful Preface • xiii ties to those they love for the sake of grieving "properly" as they believe they... found apt and effective ways to speak and write about love in terms of heart, soul, and spirit Real-life stories and accounts of personal experiences make the possibility and desirability of lasting love transparent and concrete I have used detailed stories and accounts to ground these matters of the heart Audiences of grieving persons and professionals have responded with similar enthusiasm to these fruits... vivid and richly varied and textured Through them we can still connect with those we love and the lives they lived We can still cherish them and treasure their lives and what we have shared with them Like Laura, we can have and hold the part of them that loves us "in our hearts." We can give places in our hearts to those who have died As we do, we experience lasting love We continue to love them We... toward lasting love and find it, its many rewards make the journey worthwhile Stories of personal journeys toward lasting love are the heart of what I offer in the pages that follow Stories that show how to find and embrace life-affirming and life-enhancing legacies Stories that show how to avoid the hazards of obsession, preoccupation, and excess Stories of holding on to the good and letting go of the. .. pairings, and friends: We shall still ache But we are not at all—if we understand ourselves—seeking the aches for their own sake The less of them the better, so long as the marriage is preserved And the more joy there can be in the marriage between dead and living, the better Finally, Lewis comes to a profound insight about how our most intense grief and longing actually block our paths to lasting love: ... them it offers encouragement and guidance in seeking and finding lasting love And this book is for those who care for and about us as we grieve, including our family and friends as well as caregiving professionals and volunteers To them it offers un- xiv • Preface derstanding of why finding lasting love matters so much to us The ideas it contains can help them to encourage and support us as we do what... the anxiety about whether we can find lasting love for ourselves Preface • xix With the anguish that accompanies the reshaping and redirecting of our lives in the process We can know that others have walked similar difficult paths and met similar challenges We can also resonate with the hope that pervades these stories With the promise they offer We can take heart from others' finding consolation and. .. I have seen life-affirming and life-enhancing lasting love in the eyes of so many other grieving persons and heard it in the stories they have told me Love that was real does not die when those we love die Many have told me of places in their hearts where they hold and love those who have died I have learned how cherishing memories and continuing to care about some of what they cared about has enriched... our families and communities Love is the heart of these stories of grieving Love is the bond that connects family and friends So it's not surprising that everything within us is poised to keep love alive Our feelings and desires for them do not change the moment they die Neither do our motivations, habits, dispositions, expectations, and hopes We fear that if we change these things, we may forget or stop... "Is lasting love really a good thing?" In other words, "What is the good that can come from holding those who have died in our hearts?" 6 • Places in the Heart I believe in Joanne's implicit endorsement of lasting love I also want to show you how holding someone in our hearts after death is good for us, our fellow survivors, and those who have died Our lasting love affirms the enduring meanings of their . alt="" The Heart of Grief This page intentionally left blank The Heart of Grief Death and the Search for Lasting Love THOMAS ATTIG OXFORD . Press. Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publicarion Data Attig, Thomas. 1945- The heart of grief: death and the search for lasting love / Thomas