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1
Learning to Listen
Learning to
Help
Understanding Woman Abuse
and its Effects on Children
Linda L. Baker & Alison J. Cunningham
the Centre for Children
&
Families in the Justice System
W
hy learn about woman abuse
and its effects on children? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
W
hat is woman abuse? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2
Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Power & Control Wheel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
Equality Wheel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Facts & figures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
What causes woman abuse? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Advocacy Wheel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
How to support a woman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11
Anti-violence services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
Finding resources for women and children . . . . . . . . 13
Woman abuse and children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
The need for differential response . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Potential impacts of violence
at different ages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Coping and survival strategies
of young people . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Responding to child disclosures
of abuse and neglect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
How to support a child during a disclosure . . . . . . . . 25
Barriers to child disclosure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
Reporting child maltreatment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Standards of professional conduct . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
Taking stock of your own attitudes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
Taking care of yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
Can I make a difference? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Where to get more information . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
References cited . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
back cover
Index
How to order :
Download copies at no cost from:
www.lfcc.on.ca
Or order copies from:
Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System
200 - 254 Pall Mall Street
LONDON ONTARIO N6A 5P6 CANADA
e-mail: publications@lfcc.on.ca
telephone: (519) 679-7250 ext. 206
for ordering information, see
www.lfcc.on.ca/learning.html
Funding is provided by
the government of Ontario.
The views expressed herein are
those of the Centre for Children
& Families in the Justice System
and do not necessarily reflect
those of the government
of Ontario.
Authors:
Linda L. Baker, Ph.D., C.Psych.
Executive Director
Alison J. Cunningham, M.A.(Crim.)
Director of Research & Planning
Graphic Design:
Tempo Graphics
The content of this resource cannot be
reproduced for publication without written
permission from the Centre for Children
& Families in the Justice System.
Disponible aussi en français sous
le titre Apprendre à Ecouter,
Apprendre à Aider.
© 2005 Centre for Children & Families
in the Justice System, London Family
Court Clinic, Inc.
Canadian Cataloguing
in Publication Data
Baker, Linda L. (Linda Lillian), 1955-
Learning to listen, learning to help:
understanding woman abuse and its
effects on children / Linda L. Baker,
Alison J. Cunningham.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 1-89595328-6
1. Family violence. 2. Abused women.
3. Children of abused wives.
I. Cunningham, Alison J., 1959- II.
Centre for Children & Families in the
Justice System. III. Title.
HV6626.B23 2005 362.82'92
C2004-907370-2
1
WHY
LEARN ABOUT
WOMAN ABUSE
& ITS EFFECTS ON
CHILDREN?
Many of us
work with people
If your professional or volunteer role finds you in social service
settings, employment agencies, classrooms, recreation facilities,
health care settings, law enforcement agencies, correctional
institutions, courthouses, veterinary practices, dental offices,
law firms, legal clinics, or any place you meet people you
will meet women who are in, or have recently left, abusive
intimate relationships. Many of these women have children.
A sensitive and respectful response to abused women
and their children requires an understanding of the issue
and being prepared to provide support.
Learning to Listen
The first step is to listen, respectfully and without judgment.
Woman abuse and child maltreatment are illegal and hidden
behind closed doors. They can be found in any
neighbourhood. Those affected have many reasons to keep
it secret, including fear, self-blame, embarrassment and
concern for legal consequences such as deportation.
Knowing the signs and patterns helps you listen with
an ear to understanding.
Learning to Help
You can help. Respect a woman’s choices, know the
resources in your community, make appropriate referrals,
and observe her privacy (as long as no child is at risk).
Children
who live in a home
with woman abuse are
affected, whether they
see it, hear it, see the
aftermath, or are
told about it
Children
who live in a home
with woman abuse are
affected, whether they
see it, hear it, see the
aftermath, or are
told about it
You cannot keep a confidence if you
believe a child is at risk of harm.
Know your legal responsibility to
report child abuse (see page 27)
Special Features
of this Guide
These symbols highlight important
points or direct you to further
information.
Of special
note: this is an
important point
A web site
with more
information
Use the Internet
to explore this
topic
A document
with more
information
2
While all forms
of abuse are
hurtful, some
forms of
woman abuse
are criminal
offences
and others
are not
While all forms
of abuse are
hurtful, some
forms of
woman abuse
are criminal
offences
and others
are not
WHAT IS
WOMEN
ABUSE?
Woman abuse
does not always involve
physical violence
The spectrum of abuse ranges from insults through to life-threatening injuries and
even murder. The goal of the abuser is to use physical, economic or other power
to be in control and to put the woman in a position of powerlessness. Woman
abuse can take one, two or more of these forms
emotional abuse
Demeaning comments, insults, taunts about being useless, lazy, fat, ugly,
or stupid, dictating how she dresses, threats of suicide, threats of taking
the children, surveillance, baseless jealousy, cutting her off from family
or friends, abusing pets, destroying sentimental or valued possessions.
economic abuse
Withholding money, taking her money, spending frivolously while the
children do without necessities, making all major purchases, denying
access to bank accounts, preventing her from taking or keeping a job.
sexual abuse
Forced sex, distasteful or painful sexual activity, exposure to AIDS or
other sexually-transmitted diseases, refusal to use or permit her to use
birth control.
spiritual abuse
Ridicule or punishment for holding a religious or cultural belief,
forbidding practice of a person’s religion or forcing adherence to
different practices.
physical abuse
Slapping, punching, kicking, shoving, choking, burning, biting, pushing down
stairs, stabbing or slashing with a knife, shooting, hitting with an object.
Liz Hart & Wanda Jamieson (2002).
Woman Abuse: Overview
Paper.
Ottawa: National Clearinghouse on Family violence
3
GLOSSARY
GLOSSARY
You will see these terms
used throughout the handbook
assault
An offence contained in the Criminal Code of Canada.
child exposure
to woman abuse
Seeing, hearing, being told about, or seeing the aftermath
of a mother’s abuse by her intimate partner. Some children
see a father taken away by police.
child maltreatment
Also called “child abuse,” a term that can mean physical, sexual or
emotional abuse, and/or physical or emotional neglect and/or denial
of medical care.
coping strategy
A way to cope with an emotionally painful situation.
healthy, equal relationship
A relationship characterized by mutual respect, trust, support,
open communication, and shared responsibility, with calm
negotiation and fairness in problem solving and conflict resolution.
power and control
A pattern of behaviour involving coercion, threats, intimidation,
emotional abuse, isolation, using male privilege, minimization of
the seriousness of abusive behaviour, denial of harm, etc.
woman abuse
A pattern of male behaviour characterized by power and control
tactics against a woman that may, or may not, involve physical
assault.
When we
use these
terms,
here is what
we mean.
Statistics
Canada
estimates
that children
have seen
violence or
threats in
37% of
households
where there is
spousal
violence
8
See also the Abuse of Children Wheel at www.duluth-model.org
4
Find the
Lesbian/Gay Power and Control Wheel
and also
the Creator
Wheel
(Mending the Sacred Hoop) for Aboriginal communities
POWER & CONTROL WHEEL
Woman abuse does not always
involve physical violence
The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project counsels men with a
pattern of abusing their female partners. Their model
shows how power and control tactics
are the hallmarks of
woman abuse.
P
H
Y
S
I
C
A
L
V
I
O
L
E
N
C
E
S
E
X
U
A
L
POWER
AND
CONTROL
P
H
Y
S
I
C
A
L
V
I
O
L
E
N
C
E
S
E
X
U
A
L
Using COERCION
and THREATS
• making and/or threats to
do something to her
• threatening to leave, commit
suicide, report her to welfare
• making her drop charges
• making her do
illegal things
Using
INTIMIDATION
• making her afraid by using
looks, actions, gestures
• smashing things,
destroying her property
• abusing pets
• displaying weapons
Using ISOLATION
• controlling what she does, who she
sees and talks to, what she reads,
where she goes
• limiting her outside involvement
• using jealousy to justify actions
Using
EMOTIONAL
ABUSE
• pushing her down
• making her feel bad about herself
• calling her names
• making her think she's crazy
• playing mind games
• humiliating her
• making her feel guilty
Using
CHILDREN
• making her feel guilty
about the children
• using the children to
relay messages
MINIMIZING
DENYING and
BLAMING
• making light of the abuse and not
taking her concerns about it seriously
• saying the abuse didn't happen
• shifting responsibility for abusive
behavior
• saying she caused it
Using
MALE PRIVILEGE
• treating her like a servant
• making all the big decisions
• acting like the master of the castle
• being the one to define men’s
and women’s roles
Using
ECONOMIC
ABUSE
• preventing her from getting
or keeping a job
• making her ask for money
• giving her an allowance
• taking her money
• not letting her know about or
have access to family income
Developed by
the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, Minnesota
www.duluth-model.org
5
THE EQUALITY WHEEL
Equality is the opposite to
power and control
This model also from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
describes a healthy, equal relationship.
N
O
N
-
V
I
O
L
E
N
C
E
EQUALITY
NEGOTIATION
and FAIRNESS
• seeking mutually satisfying
resolutions to conflict
• accepting change
• being willing to
compromise
NON-THREATENING
BEHAVIOR
• talking and acting so she
feels safe and comfortable
expressing herself
and doing things
TRUST and
SUPPORT
• supporting her goals in life
• respecting her right to her
own feelings, friends,
activities and opinions
RESPECT
• listening to her
non-judgmentally
• being emotionally
affirming and
understanding
• valuing opinions
RESPONSIBLE
PARENTING
• sharing parental
responsibilities
• being a positive
non-violent role model
for the children
HONESTY and
ACCOUNTABILITY
• accepting responsibility for self
• acknowledging past use of violence
• admitting being wrong
• communicating openly
and truthfully
SHARED
RESPONSIBILITY
• mutually agreeing on a fair
distribution of work
• making family decisions
together
ECONOMIC
PARTNERSHIP
• making money decisions together
• making sure both partners benefit
from financial arrangements
N
O
N
-
V
I
O
L
E
N
C
E
The Ontario Women’s Directorate has “tip sheets” to encourage healthy,
equal relationships:
www.ontariowomensdirectorate.gov.on.ca
6
Abuse in the home is hidden
behind closed doors
That makes it difficult to get an accurate statistical picture.
How do we learn about
violence in intimate relationships?
•
anonymous telephone surveys of the general population
•
review of cases reported to or discovered by the police
•
review of cases where women were murdered by an
intimate partner
•
talking with women who are experiencing or have
survived woman abuse
General Social Survey
18
The GSS is an anonymous telephone survey. In 1999, and again in
2004, surveyors asked randomly chosen adults (over 15) about any
“spousal violence” in the last five years, incidents ranging from
threats to hit through to being beaten. In the 1999 survey:
of women who are or have been in a (heterosexual)
relationship in the previous five years reported at least
one incident within those five years at the hands of a
current and/or former partner
of these women reported some
form of physical injury
had feared for their lives
Each year, Statistics Canada releases a document called
Family Violence in Canada: A Statistical Profile
. Results of
the 1999 GSS are in the 2000 edition. In 2005, the results of
the 2004 GSS will be described there.
[find it at
www.statcan.ca
]
FACTS & FIGURES
FACTS & FIGURES
8
%
38
%
While the GSS did not address
this subject, violence can also occur
in same-sex relationships
40
%
7
What do police statistics show ?
•
in 2002, 85% of victims of “spousal” assault known to the police
were female
17
How many women go to shelters?
•
each day, about 1,000 women live in an Ontario shelter because of abuse
5
How many women are
murdered by intimate partners?
•
in 2002, 67 women and 16 men were killed by a current or former
“spouse” in Canada
17
Who is most at risk for woman abuse?
Any woman could find herself in an abusive relationship but some groups of
women appear to be at greater risk overall, specifically women who are:
•
young
•
poor
3
•
in dating or common-law relationships
•
Aboriginal
•
disabled
•
recently out of a relationship
Learn more about intimate homicide by reading the latest
annual report to the Chief Coroner by Ontario’s Domestic
Violence Death Review Committee.
Aysan Sev’er (2002).
Fleeing the House of Horrors:
Women Who Have Left Abusive Partners
.
Toronto: University of Toronto Press.
Search for
Jacqueline Campbell’s
Danger Assessment
to learn about this
and other ways to
measure “lethality
indicators.”
Most
crime
victims
do not
call the
police
Most
crime
victims
do not
call the
police
never generalize from aggregate statistics
to individuals: for example, most young women
recently out of a relationship are not abused
These quantitative data give one perspective.
Qualitative data such as case studies show the
context, dynamics and consequences of abuse
8
WHAT CAUSES WOMAN ABUSE?
Ask this man for an explanation and he might
say it was her fault: she was nagging, burned
the dinner, spent too much money, insulted
him, or talked to another man. He might
focus on the situation: he was drunk, under
stress after losing his job, or the children
were noisy.
But the underlying cause of woman
abuse is the man's need to control,
often paired with a belief that men can or
should be in charge. Perhaps he learned
these attitudes by watching his father, or because
he was raised believing that men’s rights are
more important than those of women or children.
Here are some factors contributing to the dynamic of
violence against women in our society.
Socialization of girls
Many girls are encouraged to be nurturing, non-
confrontational, and to put the needs of others
over their own. Girls are exposed to messages that
being male is better, men cannot be expected to
share domestic duties, women are only valued for
their beauty and ability to have children, and women
without a man should be pitied.
Stereotypes of masculinity
and the role of men
Little boys are socialized in quite a different way. It starts when they are
babies and continues at school, where male aggression at recess is
often excused as boisterous play, for example. Boys can receive
messages that being powerful and in control are good, thinking is better
than feeling, and expressing feelings is a sign of weakness. As adults,
some have difficulty appreciating the viewpoint of others. They may
believe the man is head of the household and his opinions and needs
are the most important.
TORONTO STAR A 27-year-old
unemployed father took just 37
days to get re-arrested and charged
with beating up his wife again. In
his second round of charges he
was accused of violently pushing
his wife into some cupboards,
throwing her to the ground and
then threatening to kill her with a
piece of broken glass.
WHAT
CAUSES
WOMAN
ABUSE?
Woman abuse
is not a problem
of mental illness or
a reaction to stress.
It is never caused
by the victim
’
s
behaviour
The Ontario Women’s Directorate has “tip
sheets” for parents and caregivers, to encourage
healthy, equal relationships in boys and girls
www.ontariowomensdirectorate.gov.on.ca
[...]... this national toll-free, 24 / 7, bilingual help line, children and teenagers can speak with someone anonymously about personal problems and ask questions • Some children believe that use of a toll-free number like Kids Help Phone will appear on the family telephone bill: reassure them this is not the case 16 WOMAN ABUSE AND CHILDREN Abuse threatens a child’s sense of his or her family as safe and nurturing... come to believe that no one can help and it is not worth telling anyone Follow the child’s lead Some children have short attention spans and spend little time on any one topic, even if it is a distressing one Permit the child to say as much or as little as needed For when an adult discloses abuse, see Handbook on Sensitive Practice for Health Professionals (2001) for guidance on what to do and say (and. .. with negative effects and replacing them with healthier strategies may be the key to helping children who have lived with woman abuse and maltreatment Help mothers understand the coping of their children with material in Helping Children Thrive / Supporting Woman Abuse Survivors as Mothers: A Resource to Support Parenting (2004) [www.lfcc .on. ca] 24 RESPONDING TO CHILD DISCLOSURES OF ABUSE & NEGLECT... tactics, and assess for other adverse experiences affecting the children Woman abuse is different than marital conflict While woman abuse can occur without physical assaults, relatively minor incidents such as slapping and pushing can occur once or twice in relationships not otherwise characterized by power and control tactics 14 The hallmark of woman abuse is power and control Woman abuse involves ongoing,... depends on many factors As children get older, they develop a more sophisticated understanding of the causes and consequences of violence, a more accurate view of their own role in the violence (versus a self-blaming stance), and an increasing ability to intervene Their emotional coping strategies (see pages 22 and 23) may also evolve and change Infants and Toddlers Babies and toddlers are too young to. .. for Ontario Disability Support Benefits This is a lengthy process and she may have to collect Ontario Works in the meantime Counselling and advocacy Woman and Abuse Welfare Research Project (2004) Walking on Eggshells: Abused Women’s Experiences of Ontario’s Welfare System Ontario Association of Interval & Transition Houses [www.oaith.ca] Some communities have local service directories and the telephone... intimidation, domination, and threat that characterize woman abuse The type of intervention will be different Couple therapies appropriate for marital conflict are both ineffective for relationships characterized by woman abuse and may increase the risk faced by a woman and her children Likewise, the reverse is true Interventions designed for male perpetrators of women abuse are not appropriate to deal... may need to tell someone whose job it is to help children be safe Find the basic principles of “Active Listening” on the internet Do not criticize or speak negatively about the abusive parent Children often have confused feelings They may hate the abuse, but have a close bond to the abusive parent and enjoy times spent together Reluctance to tell may be linked to a fear of marital separation If you... document covers all these topics and more: Community Legal Education Ontario (2004) Do You Know a Woman Who is Being Abused? A Legal Rights Handbook [www.cleo .on. ca] The “Getting Legal Help series also available at www.cleo .on. ca helps women find lawyers and apply for Legal Aid Resources for women new to Canada answers • www.settlement.org: information and Chinese, for newcomers to Ontario www.projectbluesky.ca:... consult a supervisor if you have questions or concerns about a specific situation Document both your concerns and your actions 1 Always be professional and maintain high standards of personal behaviour 2 Be aware of situations which can be misconstrued or manipulated by others, such as being alone with a child in a car 3 Be vigilant and aware of how your actions and attention can be misinterpreted by a child . 1
Learning to Listen
Learning to
Help
Understanding Woman Abuse
and its Effects on Children
Linda L. Baker & Alison J. Cunningham
the Centre for Children
&
Families.
in Publication Data
Baker, Linda L. (Linda Lillian), 1955-
Learning to listen, learning to help:
understanding woman abuse and its
effects on children /
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